Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2.fluke 9/24/84; site vax2.fluke.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxt!houxm!vax135!cornell!uw-beaver!fluke!moriarty From: moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Judge Moriarty Wapner) Newsgroups: net.flame,net.misc Subject: STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT: The case of Outraged English Majors VS. The Net Message-ID: <468@vax2.fluke.UUCP> Date: Tue, 26-Mar-85 02:38:07 EST Article-I.D.: vax2.468 Posted: Tue Mar 26 02:38:07 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 27-Mar-85 23:44:49 EST Distribution: net Organization: Stupid People's Court Lines: 174 Xref: watmath net.flame:8975 net.misc:7668 FADE IN: The sound of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd. Behind the Prosecuting Counsel's table sit twenty intense, slightly constipated-looking individuals, their chins thrust forward and their eyes gleaming with righteous indignation. In the defendant's box are 45,000 people of every imaginable type, all in rather cramped positions. Red, the Stupid People's Court bailiff, steps forward. Let's listen in! BAILIFF: Order in the court. The case of Amalgamated Offended English Majors versus The Net. All rise for Judge Moriarty Wapner. JUDGE MW (mumbling, as usual): `...best shark trolling bait: spam... Rolaids... Moon Pies... Pia Zadora...' You may be seated. Red, read the charges. BAILIFF: The organization known as A.O.E.M. charges the Usenet community with malicious spelling, poor grammar and lazy proofreading in general. JUDGE MW: Very well. Gentlemen and ladies of the prosecution, state your case. 1st OEM: For too long has poor grammar and spelling been prevalent on the entity know as "Usenet"... 2nd OEM: Except by us, of course. 1st OEM: Of course. And we think the time has come to have these malefactors brought to justice! JUDGE MW: Well, I have to admit that the net, as a whole, does not have perfect (or even excellent) grammar or spelling but we're not that bad; and besides, we cannot castigate an entire group for the errors of individuals. 1st OEM: But they're all TECHNICIANS! 3rd OEM: Ooh, yucko! Grodey to the max! 2nd OEM: And if they're not technicians, they must be engineers, and they're almost as bad. 1st OEM: As if having to share netnews discussions wasn't enough, we have to deal with their split infinitives and outrageous misuse of "too"! 4th OEM: Horrors! What would Hemingway say? JUDGE MW (never one to leave a straight line dangling): Mariel would probably tell you to stick... ALL OEMs: We want justice! We want justice! JUDGE MW: Well, I have to admit that the charges of sloppy English are somewhat merited... ALL OEMs: Hurrah! 3rd OEM: Saints be Praised! JUDGE MW: ...but don't you think you're making a bit much out of it? 1st OEM: On the contrary, I think this merits, at the very *least*, an apology by the entire net! THE NET: [Noises of grumbling, with various voices rising and falling]: Huh... .....cripes, why worry about spelling, when they'll be an AI project doing it next year... ..........This is just how England subjugates Northern Ireland..... .....Drop Doggie Doo in their drawers!... ....Son,take careful aim at those loonies, and blow their brain out..... JUDGE MW: Could someone take Adrian out for his walkies? And Mr. Arndt, please restrain you're child from using that M-16.... Gentlemen and Ladies of the Prosecution, I don't think you're going to get anywhere from that position... 1st OEM: Well, it's to be expected. 2nd OEM: Yes, the poor, sensitive creative soul never finds solace in the harsh, unfeeling mercantile society. 1st OEM: We try to preserve the standard of the flagging English Language among unkept barbarians... 4th OEM: Well, what do you expect from techies, anyway? None of them have had our Liberal Arts background... JUDGE MW: Why, I'm sure that's not true of a great deal of the net. I myself graduate this year from Reed College with... 3rd OEM: Yes, we know, we've heard it a thousand times. Let's face it, Your Honor, you sold out. You're working as a software person... JUDGE MW: Hey! I resent... 3rd OEM: ... instead of suffering the fate we must face every day, trying to keep our civilization educated... JUDGE MW: But... 3rd OEM: ... and trying to keep the last vestiges of a once-great culture alive amongst... JUDGE MW: But... 3rd OEM: ...what can only be kindly termed as a bunch of ignorant savage worshipers of technocracy... JUDGE MW: But... 3rd OEM: ...who do nothing but read Stephen King novels, swill beer, and have sex... JUDGE MW: Shutup. 3rd OEM: ...as if sex was the greatest thing in the world. I've had sex before... Judge MW: Shut Up. 3rd OEM: ...and, sure, it's nice and all, but not as nice as writing... JUDGE MW [screams]: SHUT UPPPP! 3rd OEM: ...haiku, or deciphering the 132 meanings ascribed to "The Sun Also Rises", or debating whether Shakespeare was really Sir Thomas Moore and Neil Simon teaming up.... 1st OEM: Was! 2nd OEM: Wasn't! 1st OEM: WAS! 2nd OEM: WASN'T! 3rd OEM: ...gee, I mean, I don't know why women aren't attracted by artistic suffering. My parents locked me in a closet, so I didn't get into athletics much... THE NET [a single voice]: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! JUDGE MW: *sigh*. Hasn't Adrian's nanny shown up yet? Just remember, folks.... If you've got a lame flame, don't take it to the net. Take it to court. ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ****** Judge Moriarty Wapner, aka Jeff Meyer John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc. UUCP: {cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsrgv}!uw-beaver \ {allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty ARPA: fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPA