Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site ucsbcsl.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!whuxlm!harpo!decvax!ittvax!dcdwest!sdcsvax!sdcrdcf!trwrb!trwrba!cepu!ucsbcsl!brent From: brent@ucsbcsl.UUCP ( ) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Taxes -- Dave Berry Message-ID: <257@ucsbcsl.UUCP> Date: Mon, 1-Apr-85 23:37:49 EST Article-I.D.: ucsbcsl.257 Posted: Mon Apr 1 23:37:49 1985 Date-Received: Thu, 4-Apr-85 08:01:36 EST Organization: U.C. Santa Barbara Lines: 107 Taken from The Fresno Bee ... reprinted without permission ... From the end of the column: "Write to Dave Berry, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33101." SWEATING OUT TAXES by Dave Berry Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often-overlooked acconting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money. You also have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. the short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. here's the complete text: "1. How much did you make? (AMOUNT) "2. How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) "3. Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. Before you fill it out, get the instruction booklet and read the letter on the cover from Roscoe L. Egger Jr., a name which you think I'm making up, but which actually belongs to the commissioner of the IRS. What I want you to note especially is that the longest paragraph in Roscoe's entire letter is devoted to telling you how you can voluntarily contribute to reduce the national debt. I am not kidding. Here we taxpayers are out in the real world, feeling grateful if we have enough money left after taxes to buy the nine-piece box of chicken McNuggets instead of the six-piece, and old Roscoe, who must make 60 grand a year easy, wants to tell us how we can send extra money so Congress can afford Oriental rugs for the Senate squash court locker room. "In 1983," Roscoe says, "we got over 3,500 contributions," probably all from the same cretins who file the short form. What we can learn from Roscoe's letter is that we should not expect useful advice from the IRS. The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickle in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer oraganization that never pays a nickel in taxes. The secret is that big business and Ralph Nader know about the tax loopholes, such as depreciation. "Depreciation" is an accounting strategy based on the old television show "Queen For a Day", in which the houswife who led the most depressing life ("Well, I have cancer, of course, and ...") would win an Amana home freezer. Depreciation is similar: A business claims its machines are all falling apart, so the government feels sorry for it and says it doesn't have to pay any taxes. You know those TV commercials for Chrysler, the ones where Lee Iacocca strides around confidently and tells you how modern Chrysler's factories are? Well, you should see the letters Lee writes to the IRS at tax time: "Dear Sirs: "We had to film those TV commercials in a Toyota factory, because our factories are so bad that the cars keep exploding before they even roll off the assembly line! Ha ha! "But seriously, I'd say things have depreciated here to the tune of about $900 million dollars, so I'm afraid we won't be able to pay any taxes again this year. "Sincerely, "Lee" All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" Another tax wrinkle you might want to take advantage of is the "vanity" Social Security number. This year, as part of a new IRS program intended to put the fun back into tax filing, you can add $10 to your tax payment and select any nine-digit number you want. For $15, you can even use letters to form humorous personalized messages such as IRS-UP-YORZ. So use your imagination! Also don't tell anybody where you got this particular tip.