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From: ugzannin@sunybcs.UUCP (Adrian Zannin)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Are you a REAL programmer?
Message-ID: <1536@sunybcs.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 19-Apr-85 20:39:04 EST
Article-I.D.: sunybcs.1536
Posted: Fri Apr 19 20:39:04 1985
Date-Received: Mon, 22-Apr-85 01:13:48 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: SUNY/Buffalo Computer Science
Lines: 87


   A friend of mine recently gave me this rather strict criterion for a
REAL programmer:

                         Real Programmers ...

Don't eat quiche.  Real programmers  don't  even  know  how  to  spell-
Quiche.  They like Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.-

Don't write applications programs.  They program  right  down  to  the-
bare metal.  Applications programs  are  for  dullards  who  can't  do-
systems programming.-

Don't write specs.  Users should be grateful for  whatever  they  get.-
They are lucky to get any program at all.-

Don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it should be  hard-
to understand and even harder to modify.-

Don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after  all,  the  illiterate's-
form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it  did-
for them.-

Don't read manuals.  Reliance on a reference  is  a  hallmark  of  the-
novice and the coward.-

Don't use Cobol.  Cobol is for wimpy applications programmers.-

Don't use Fortran.  Fortran is for  wimpy  engineers  who  wear  white-
socks pipe stress  freaks,  and  crystallography  weenies.   They  get-
excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.-

Don't use PL/I.  PL/I is for insecure momma's boys  who  can't  choose-
between Cobol and Fortran.-

Don't use BASIC.  In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC  after  reaching-
puberty.-

Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.-

Don't use LISP.  Only  effemitate  programmers  use  more  parentheses-
than actual code.-

Dont use Pascal, Bliss, ADA  or  any  of  those  sissy-pinko  computer-
science languages.  Strong typing is a crutch  for  people  with  weak-
memories.-

Never work 9 to 5.  If any real  programmers  are  around  at  9  a.m.-
it's because they were up all night.-

Don't play tennis or any  other  sport  which  requires  a  change  of-
clothes.  Mountain climbing is ok, and  real  programmers  often  wear-
climbing boots to work in case a mountain should  suddenly  spring  up-
in the middle of the machine room.-

Disdain  structured  programming.   Structured  programming   is   for-
compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained  neurotics  who  wear  neckties-
and carefully line up sharpened pencils on  an  otherwise  uncluttered-
desk.-

Don't like the team programming concept.  Unless, of course, they  are-
the Chief Programmer.-

Have no use for managers.  Managers are a  necessary  evil.   Managers-
-are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters,  senior  planners-
and other mental defectives.-

Scorn floating point arithmetic.  The decimal point was  invented  for-
pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."-

Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks.   They  prefer  BMWs,  Lincolns  or-
pick-up  trucks  with  floor  shifts.   Fast  motorcycles  are  highly-
regarded.-

Don't believe in schedules.  Planners  make  up  schedules.   Managers-
"firm up" schedules.  Frightened  coders  strive  to  meet  schedules.-
Real programmers ignore schedules.-

Like vending machine popcorn.  Coders pop it in  the  microwave  oven.-
Real programmers use the heat given off by the  cpu.


    My sediments exactly!!!

...sunybcs!ugzannin