Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site wudma.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!ihnp4!mgnetp!we53!busch!wucs!wudma!ab From: ab@wudma.UUCP Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Re: 1985 Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes (April 1) Message-ID: <238@wudma.UUCP> Date: Wed, 10-Apr-85 09:26:09 EST Article-I.D.: wudma.238 Posted: Wed Apr 10 09:26:09 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 13-Apr-85 03:07:54 EST References: <1339@aecom.UUCP> Distribution: net Organization: Washington U. in St. Louis, CS Dept. DMA Project Lines: 542 > <><><><> > Notes on this years collection: > Most of the work on the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes is > attributable to Kurt Guntheroth. It fulfilled a Public Service that was best > expressed by the note from Russell Spence immediately below. So, all credit > to Kurt. I did, however, correct a few typos. > My main involvement came when I posted a collection of jokes NOT in > the canonical collection, and received mail for the original list, as well > as a few more suggestions. To forestall that, I promised to post both lists > on April Fool's Day. So here it is. And with this, I'm getting out of the > Light Bulb Business. > Craig Werner (werner@aecom.UUCP) > P.S. Will the person who sent me the winning entry on the Necrophiliac LBJ > write me so I can attribute it. I lost your letter. (See very last joke) > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > From: russ@ihuxi.UUCP (Russell Spence) > Subject: YALBJ > > Q: How many netters does it take to submit a lightbulb joke? > A: 1000; > One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does > it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, thats a hardware problem" > > WARNING: Anyone who re-submits the afore-mentioned joke risks being flamed > to incredible toastiness!!!!! > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------- > From: kurt@fluke.UUCP (Kurt Guntheroth) > Subject: Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes > > Notes on the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes: > > This file is the canonical collection of light bulb jokes, posted as a > public service to prevent a steady trickle of light bulb jokes must of > which will be repeats. Light bulb jokes have a period of four to six > months between recurrances, and long-time news readers look forward with > dread to each new round of the same old jokes. > > It is possible to construct infinite small variations on these jokes by > substituting particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding > certain jokes into seventy line monsters. I have resisted this impulse. > > Of course you may substitue any ethnic group for ''. I feel it > would take all the fun out for me to pick on a single ethnic group when > there are so many and when I don't know your personal prejudices. > > The WASPs in the following jokes are `White Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and > are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose lifestyle people. > In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California, they are > 'Marin County' jokes. > > !WARNING! This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be > offensive to members of the following groups: > > Californians Oregonians New Yorkers New Jersey-ians > Generals Politicians Marxists supply-side economists > Athletes Students artists Professors > Psychiatrists Psychologists Doctors Lawyers > Christians Jews Zen Budhists gods > Vice Presidents Managers Russians > Feminists mice Homosexuals Lesbians > Software people IBM employees WASPs Bell-Labs Employees > > and no doubt others who are offended to have been left out of this list. > > ----- The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes ----- > > Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate > to the experience. > > Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the > Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. > > Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A1: None of your damn business! > A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. > > Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. > > Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. > > Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. Thats a hardware problem. > > Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? > A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. > > Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? > A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment > of license fee (binary only). > > Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to > get it done. > > Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? > A1: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. > A2: None of your damn business! > > Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to > do it. > > Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") > > Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside). > > Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes > on strike! > > Q: How many WASPs (Californians) does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in > hot tubs. > > Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. > > Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild > civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again. > > Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder > out from under him. > > Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three, but they're really only one. > > Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. > > Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Thats not funny!!! > Variation: > Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? > A: It's "Women" and it's not funny! > > Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. > > Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. > > Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. > > Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three: > One to write the light bulb removal program, > one to write the light bulb insertion program, and > one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure > nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. > > Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Both of them. > > Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. > Notes: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is > Four. One to change the bulb. > > Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Billions and billions. > > Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about > how good the old light bulb was. > Notes: This has also been said of Virginians. > > Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the > bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. > > Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! > > Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb > installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. > > Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. > > Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? > A: You can unscrew a lightbulb. > > Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number > to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it. > > Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? > A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, > Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% > of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", > and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists > of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". > > Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? > A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. > > Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." > > Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. > > Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the > third to shoot the witness. > > Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. > > Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. > > Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. > > Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? > A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... > Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983 > > Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None. It turned itself in. > > Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do > with the old one for the next 10,000 years. > > Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: How many can you afford? > > Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! > > Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it > is than with a man. > > Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb. > Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. > > Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if > you knew how many. > Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls > > Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! > > Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: ---- You should have hit "n"! > > Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? > A: One third less than for a regular bulb. > > Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. > > Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? > > Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? > A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. > Notes: Ugh! > > Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb. > > Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb? > A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. > > Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to > give it a surprising twist at the end. > > Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb > itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective > reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out > toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. > > Q: How many junkies does it take? > A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? > > Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? > A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. > > Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? > A. 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . > A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. > Notes: What do you mean, you haven't read 2010 yet? > > Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in > a light bulb? > > A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use > a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. > Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for > Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light > fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high- > wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the > door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, > we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the > United States. > > Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? > A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. > > Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" > A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct > the ship out of disgrace." > (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They > consider this joke to be a discrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) > > Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace > a light bulb? > A: Many hands make light work. > > Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around > him. > > -- > Kurt Guntheroth > John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc. > {uw-beaver,decvax!microsof,ucbvax!lbl-csam,allegra,ssc-vax}!fluke!kurt > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > From: daemon@decwrl.UUCP (The devil himself) > Newsgroups: net.jokes > > Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: 2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change. > 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. > 2 People - Feasability study and timetable of events. > 2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time > (in addition to the electric utility). > 1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards > (sockets, voltage, AC/DC). > 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. > 15 People - Change bulb. > 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. > 2 People - Perform bulb load test. > 3 People - Perform bulb regression test. > 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. > 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. > 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). > 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission. > 1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent > when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point > product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)! > 5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements). > compatibility architecture/study. > 3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2 > compatibility architecture/study. > 2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted) > follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, > visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot). > 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already > existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). > 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary > alternative bulb socket. > 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split > (Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: > screw-in torque, recovery strategies). > 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group. > 1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center). > 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. > 10 People - Answer customer BPRs. > 11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers. > > Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? > A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the > third to shoot the witness. > > Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? > A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some > minor variation of it! > > Q: How many sorority members does it take to change a light bulb? > A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb > being changed. > > Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other > screws the bulb into the water faucet. > > Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? > A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" > > Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? > A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete > pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. > Meanwhile... > > Jym Dyer > Nashua, New Hampshire > {allegra|decvax|ihnp4|ucbvax}!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-vaxuum!dyer > ___________________________________________________________________________ > From: gm@trsvax.UUCP (George Moore @ Tandy System Software) > Subject: A *NEW* light bulb joke > > Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a > light bulb? > > A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the > Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones > to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices > that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't > see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency > stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a > light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red > shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are > promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party > is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship > approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. > Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as > a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs > they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the > planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, > and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > From: chris@umcp-cs.UUCP (Chris Torek @ U. of MD Comp Sci Dept) > > Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? > A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > From: werner@aecom.UUCP (Craig Werner @ Albert Einstein Coll. of Med., NY) > ALL NEW, NEVER SEEN BEFORE ON USENET (I hope!) LIGHT BULB JOKES. > > Several months ago, two versions of The Canonical Collection of Light > Bulb Jokes were posted by and > I've combined these lists and > a few other reasonably original LB jokes that appeared on the net, and > then compared other sources for jokes that didn't appear in any of these > lists. The following is the result. Sources are given in all cases. > Although, in some instances, I may have paraphrased to improve the > joke's delivery. > > The following jokes or variations are from: > _How_Many_Zen_Buddhists_Does_It_Take_to_Screw_in_a_Light_Bulb?_ > by Matt Freedman and Paul Hoffman > c. 1980 (Paperback, illustrated.) > > Alternate Answer: > Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to screw it in, and a second to hand our leaflets. > > Alternate Answer: > Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty > about having to call the cleaning lady? > > The following do not appear in the canonical list in any form: > (still from _How_Many_Zen_Buddhists_....) > > Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: Seventeen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the > bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the stepladder steady. > One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other > bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee > break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking > into the apartment at night. One to drink martinis with the WASPs. > > Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: At least three. > (Notes: think height!) > > Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and > worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go > to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress? > > Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. > > Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to > go back on. > > Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. > (Notes: this joke might be dated.) > > Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent. > > Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: All of them. > > Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > A: One and a half. > > Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies. > > Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." > (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.") > > >The following appeared in the comic strip "Hello Carol." > > Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. > > >The following is attributed to Michael Anderson '83, a student activist > at Harvard. > > Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a lightbulb? > A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb! > (Notes: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that beleives > in violent revolution.) > > >The following cropped up while I was in anatomy lab doing a dissection. > >(I'm a 1st year Med student.) We are currently looking for a better > >answer than the one provided. > > Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. > ------- > >The best answer that came in was: > A: Only one. Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go > get a new bulb ... > --------------------------------------------------------------------------- > -- > Craig Werner > !philabs!aecom!werner > What do you expect? Watermelons are out of season! *** REPLACE THIS LINE WITH YOUR MESSAGE ***