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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Ensign Benson, Space Cadet)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: HOROSCOPE: April 26
Message-ID: <581@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 26-Apr-85 12:28:59 EDT
Article-I.D.: tpvax.581
Posted: Fri Apr 26 12:28:59 1985
Date-Received: Mon, 29-Apr-85 00:17:52 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: The Digital Circus, Sector R
Lines: 84

HOROSCOPE

For Friday, April 26, 1985

ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those who do.
You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters, and venereal
disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius natives; probably a
fistfight with one of each.

TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will find you
boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance highlighted, if you
live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20)
Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the
bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from
those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars,
possibly to the men's room.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Stop smoking Today.

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22)
Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. Look
over your shoulder; an ugly person is following you. Be on your toes. Brush
your teeth. Take Geritol.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and assholes;
birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People will not be
offended, because they've come to recognize you for the paranoid neurotic
that you are. Your dentures are loose.  

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for
filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching
you, so stop staring like that.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check for
concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want to throw up.
Knock it off.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding ulcers. Drink
milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and obnoxious self. Call your
mother.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything else,
such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget it. That
pimple on your nose will get worse.    

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely on
your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot of
trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on payday.
Stop wetting your bed.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Take the high road, look for the good things, and carry an American Express
card and a pistol. The world is yours today, as nobody else wants it. Your
mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus.

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY:
You are the extroverted type, as a result of a lonely childhood in which
nobody liked you. They still don't. You are talented, artistic and
sensitive, which explains why you are also a crybaby and have no practical
skills, like washing dishes. Career choices include banking, freeloading,
and selling used cars. Members of the opposite sex find you childish and a
real pain. Go home and watch TV.  


(c)Copyright 1985, Gary Benson.
Permission to reprint is specifically denied to Brad Needham, Tektronix.
All others may duplicate, distribute and store in any medium whatsoever.

-- 

			       Ensign Benson
			       -Space Cadet-

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