Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2.fluke 9/24/84; site tpvax.fluke.UUCP
Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!seismo!harvard!talcott!panda!genrad!decvax!tektronix!uw-beaver!fluke!inc
From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Ensign Benson, Space Cadet)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: HOROSCOPE, April 30
Message-ID: <589@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 30-Apr-85 13:45:18 EDT
Article-I.D.: tpvax.589
Posted: Tue Apr 30 13:45:18 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 4-May-85 05:47:12 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: The Digital Circus, Sector R
Lines: 78

HOROSCOPE

For Monday, April 29, 1985. 

ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
Bad news! Jupiter is in the third house of the son-in-law of Plato's second
cousin once removed, and you know what that means! Buy savings bonds. Use
your dictionary. Try to get some fresh air. Table salt causes high blood
pressure. Wouldn't you really rather drive a Buick?

TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
The chicken flies across the forehead; chair leverage is not what it seems;
paper telephones may reveal a secret that you already know about; and don't
forget your eraser!

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20)
The man who blows his nose too hard could have an earache. Be careful who
you give potatoes to. Emphasize financial responsibility for once. Your
house needs paint.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22)
Good times are in the air; be sure to ask for laughing gas the next time you
visit your dentist. Don't hold your breath. What you hoped for yesterday
won't come true today, either. 

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22)
Good news, glad tidings, and resounding praise from above are all just an
illusion. Stop kidding yourself. Your boss, for example, thinks you have the
I.Q. of a fencepost, and what have you done lately to indicate otherwise?

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
People are saying things about you behind your back. Respond with abusive
language and violence, especially to Saggitarius. Just because what they are
saying is true doesn't mean you have to sit by and let them say it.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
You've been getting much too smug lately. Cut it out. Just ask yourself:
what have you got to be so smug about, anyway, you miserable leper? You're
much better at groveling, you know. 

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
Word has it that you had a face lift two years ago. Don't think for a minute
that you can keep THAT kind of thing a secret! And what are they saying
about the hairpiece? Pay attention. Look lively. Don't hesitate to punch out
those gossip-mongers, although it's not as if you deserve any better.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
You will see stars, right after you get hit on the head by an angry
co-worker. Serves you right. You shouldn't say those things about other
people, especially Virgo natives. They're mean mothers!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
Mother said there would be days like this. She wasn't kidding, either. To
begin with, you are most likely pregnant. If not, you are surely suffering
from an incurable disease. Drink plenty of fluids and take aspirin. Consult
a priest or something.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
You are full of energy, life, and enthusiasm. You've got big irons in the
fire and bigger things planned. Life is great, in other words. So, find a
quarter and go call somebody who cares; most of us really don't. 

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Look at it this way: things could be worse.

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: 
You are wise, gracious, and polite. Too bad you're such a wimp. You show
good taste in your choice of laxatives. Your source of motivation is in your
refrigerator, next to the week-old steamed broccoli. You are most successful
in romance with Libra, Virgo, and Pisces, although you really don't stand
much of a chance with any of them. Career choices are meager. Your most
memorable month of 1984 has already gone by. You are wallowing in debt, too.


-- 
			       Ensign Benson
			       -Space Cadet-
 
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-The Digital Circus, Sector R-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-