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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Ensign Benson, Space Cadet)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: HOROSCOPE, May 1st
Message-ID: <593@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 1-May-85 12:36:11 EDT
Article-I.D.: tpvax.593
Posted: Wed May  1 12:36:11 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 4-May-85 07:57:24 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: The Digital Circus, Sector R
Lines: 87

HOROSCOPE

For Wednesday, May 1, 1985

ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
Today is the last day of the rest of your life. Enjoy it while you can. More
morons are Aries than any other sign, and you are the rule that proves the
exception. Sinister person proves to be a great ally. Don't muck up.

TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
Whassamattayou, anyway? Why don't you get off the pot? Folks are getting
tired of your continual delays. Don't fool around with Mother Nature. When
life hands you a lemon, suck it. Stop whining.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20)
As a true Gemini, you are a two-faced double-crosser. Your friends can be
counted on your thumbs, and neither one of them really likes you. Everyone
knows about your feces fetish. Stop eating that stuff you dig out from
between your toes.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22)
Cancer and Taurus, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then
comes marriage, then comes Cancer with a baby carriage. Unfortunately, the
infant will be born breach and only survive two days. It's not yours,
either.

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22)
You have your pants on backwards, which explains why everyone always says
your mother dresses you funny. Besides that, the zipper goes on the OUTSIDE.
Also, your shoes don't match. Sure-fire big money this week - you locate
that missing dime. Capricorn seeks guidance, counsel. Say something
misleading.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Well, it's been a while since anyone accused you of retaining your
virginity, and boy-oh-howdy we know why, don't we? You'd screw anything with
anywhere NEAR the proper equipment. Fess up about the incident with the
child. You'll be a better person for it, and you might even find a way out
of the lawsuit being threatened.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
You've looked at life from both sides now, from win and lose and still
somehow, it's life's illusions that you recall - you really don't know life
at all. Clouds get in your way.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
Your Pac-Man scores go into a slide, causing anxiety among barmaids. A
favorite hangout is closed by the Health Department. Ugly rumor at a seance
turns out to be true.
 
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Great Dane farts in your face while you're playing cribbage. Everything
points to similar events all week. One good turn deserves another, so why
don't you turn around? Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
Hooray, hooray, it's the first of May; outdoor sex starts today. Horny as a
billy-goat, as usual, the trait you share with most other Capricorns. Look to
Leo for guidance, counsel. But don't trust it.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
Time for another face-lift. In case of fire, stay where you are. Your
biorythm curves are all at perigee, and confusion sets in about the purpose
of your existence. There isn't any.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Don't count on much support with that all-important project. You aren't
capable of bringing it off anyway. Give up now and save the embarrassment
you are bound to cause. You are dropped from the mailing list of your Lonely
Heart's Club.

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY:
Noone knows better than you how simple-minded you are. The comics section
holds an important lesson, one you should have learned at about age 3. Most
presumed allies have now relocated to Libya, leaving you unsure of your
status at the VFW. If you can hang on about another week, you'll see that
the situation is truly hopeless. The crime you have been interested in was
done in the library by Mister Mustard with a candlestick.


(c)Copyright 1985, Gary Benson. All rights reserved. Any similarity between
   persons living or dead is the result of a chronosynclastic infundibulum.

-- 
			       Ensign Benson
			       -Space Cadet-
 
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-The Digital Circus, Sector R-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-