Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site decwrl.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!gamma!epsilon!zeta!sabre!bellcore!decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-morgan!levasseur From: levasseur@morgan.DEC (Edge of the Razor) Newsgroups: net.motss Subject: Alcohol and It's Effect on Relationships Message-ID: <1923@decwrl.UUCP> Date: Tue, 30-Apr-85 11:17:24 EDT Article-I.D.: decwrl.1923 Posted: Tue Apr 30 11:17:24 1985 Date-Received: Thu, 2-May-85 01:25:28 EDT Sender: daemon@decwrl.UUCP Organization: DEC Engineering Network Lines: 63 I've been having quite a few conversations with gay men and women lately about how alcohol effects their relationships. The two longest relationships I was involved in were both with serious alcoholics. I never saw what was going on while involved but have a much clearer picture of how drinking ruin- ed two otherwise good relations. I have a tendency toward drinking excess- ively which I'm working on. Whenever I got drunk, I became quiet and didn't want any trouble. Both of these lovers became schizoid while drinking and got both verbally and physicly violent. This usually happened randomly and at times was embarassing to me in social situations. I took my first lover to a Christmas party at a good friends. He seemed ok and was socializing with some of the other guests as I chatted with the host. All of a sudden I could hear screaming and abusive language coming from the other half as he got into a heated arguement with another guest. When I tried getting him to cool down, he took a swing at me. When he was sober he was an angel, but let him get a few pops in him and he was like a time bomb. When he got drunk was also the times when he would cheat on me. After a year of hearing, "gee honey, I'm sorry", was when I bailed out; nothing was going to change. He told me he was going to attend AA meetings but this never happened. The second relationship was even worse. When I first met Danny, he was all that I was looking for; seemingly intelligent, attractive and in most ways compatable. Once I moved in with him I noticed that any liquor in the house mysteriously evaporated when I was gone. I would come home to find him drunk and it would end up in all night shouting matches. He would usually leave and head for the bars, coming back a day or two later apologizing. He also claimed to not remember our fights and would black out quite often. This caused problems since I never knew if he was blacked out or not. When he drank, no-one would ever suspect he was drunk unless he flew off the han- dle. That one ended after 20 months. Friends and aquaintances tell me similar stories; most claiming that the relationshiop went well until alcohol came into the picture. They also said that the only time there were fights was when one or both were drinking. A few gay women have told me some real horror stories about alcohol related incidents where weapons came in and the police had to be called. One common thing about the men I've talked to was that either one or both did not communicate their conflicts but blew up when the booze lowered their inhibitions. I always tried to talk things out with my ex's when we were both sober. Neither one of them felt like talking and claimed nothing was wrong until they got a load on and then would proceed to dump their entire emot- ional slush fund on me; including problems at work and with their families. I would end up taking the brunt for all of their problems. I would rather clear the air when sober and be able to have a couple of drinks together and just relax. It seemed that these guys couldn't do that. I had a conversation with a friend over concerns on his part that the only gay outlets seem to revolve around booze. To some extent I agree with him. There are the obvious bars where people drink to get up the courage to talk to someone, brunch with its bloody Mary's and Mamosas, dinner parties with the obligatory cocktail table, resorts like P'Town where drinking seems to follow most activities, etc. I realize that you "don't have to accept" the offered cocktail but it is very visable in most gay social activities. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy having a couple of drinks in pleasant relaxed company, but there an awful lot of people who cannot. I sometimes womder if our comm- unity's problems with alcohol (much higher than our straight brethren) stems from the availability of alcohol or is it due to the higher emotional burdens that gay men and women face from society; a way to kill the subconscious pain of existing in a hostile environment. I don't know if this topic has come up on the net. I haven't seen it since becomming active. What do you folks think? What experiances do you have to share? Drink Sanely, Ray