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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Ensign Benson, Space Cadet)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: HOROSCOPE: 5/8/85
Message-ID: <598@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 7-May-85 13:48:18 EDT
Article-I.D.: tpvax.598
Posted: Tue May  7 13:48:18 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 11-May-85 08:37:19 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: The Digital Circus, Sector R
Lines: 83


HOROSCOPE

For Wednesday, May 8, 1984

ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
Jupiter wanes, but Pluto waxes. Neither of them matter, though, since
Neptune is declining. Beware the Ides of March.

TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
You are intelligent, gracious and a good citizen. So what? Most of the time
you're so blown away on coke that you haven't noticed you're 20 years older
than the last time you checked.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20)
Stop burping in public all the time. Career advancement certain. Your boss
promotes you to lead shovel. No salary increase, however. You should vacuum
the living room today, time permitting. One who knows knows but won't say.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22)
Oh, what's the difference? You'll probably go out and do it regardless of
what I say, but be forewarned. It's not at all a good time to pursue your
real interests. Besides, your Gemini friend will get the nod. 

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22)
The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so keep squeaking! Grease coming your way
soon. Have your palms read today. They'll get greased later. All of which
reminds me, it's about your hair tonic...

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Maybe you ought to... no, better still, think about .... no. Listen, there
is so much indecisivensess in your aura that you better just take a bottle
of brandy to bed. Do it at noon for maximum effect by nightfall. Your
waterbed spings a leak, drowning your hamster.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
The plot you have set in motion results in disaster for the pygmies.
Airliner crashes because of the bad karma of a loved one on the flight.
Uncertainty sure to unhinge you, causing instant insanity. Don't eat butter
brickle ice cream today.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
Stay out of botany labs, because a mutant hydrangea plans to attack you
towards mid-afternoon. Keep your Ortho sprayer with you at all times,
because there is a plant revolution starting. Stop pissing on your
secretary's avocado.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
My, my, aren't we duded up today? What's the occasion? Thought you'd get the
lead shovel job? You'll be lucky to get one over the head. Get off your lazy
duff. Call your mother. What? I don't care what you call her.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
Your slippery manner and strange eyes will win you no friends today. They
never do, in fact. Why don't you get on a slow boat to China?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
Avoid internalizing your despair. Things could be worse, though I don't know
how. Good time to stop hitting yourself over the head with that hammer. When
you cut your wrists, studies show that a lengthwise slit on the arm is far
more effective than across the wrists. Good luck with it.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Nice try, bozo! Better luck next month. Failure is just as certain then, but
you'll feel better if you keep a positive mental attitude. Noone trusts you,
and with good reason. 

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: 
Befuddlement intensifies. One of your better friends finally succeeds in
commmitting hari-kari, showing you the way. No major disaster foreseen for the
early part of the week, but the minor ones are the perfect lead-in to the
last part of the week, when everything goes wrong. Your dentist will inform
you that all your teeth need root-canals, and your stationer will run out of
your favorite puce notecards. The phone dosen't stop ringing as the police
finally trace your obscene phone calls. Jail won't be much worse than recent
home life; in fact, you'll have sex quite a bit more often. Live it up.


-- 
			       Ensign Benson
			       -Space Cadet-
 
    _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-The Digital Circus, Sector R-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_