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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Ensign Benson, Space Cadet)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: HOROSCOPE: 5/9/85
Message-ID: <599@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 7-May-85 20:02:26 EDT
Article-I.D.: tpvax.599
Posted: Tue May  7 20:02:26 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 11-May-85 08:39:01 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: The Digital Circus, Sector R
Lines: 78

HOROSCOPE

For Thursday, May 9, 1985

ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19).
Opportunities abound. Security highlighted. Take nothing for granted. Avoid
dark rooms and people carrying weapons. Be confident. Don't leave the house
today. 

TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20).
Look ahead. Chin up. Go for the gusto. Be on your toes. Don't ask for a
raise. Wash your underwear. Let's get small. Ham on rye for lunch.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20).
Many questions today and precious few answers. Who are you? Where are you
going? Why is there air? Are the lights on? Do you know what time it is?
Cancer may have the answers.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22).
Remember: Herman Snodgrass; Peoria; To fill volley balls with; yes; 11:23;
Paris; 42; Uncle Sid; ice cream. A Gemini may seek answers from you. Be
evasive.

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22).
Watch out! Be careful! Look both ways before crossing the street! Use breath
mints! One shower may not be enough this morning! Dark clouds! Gallstones!
Loose dentures! All that aside, things look OK.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22).
These are difficult times. Lighten up. You have what it takes to pull
through in a pinch, but you're facing a sledgehammer instead of a wimpy
little pinch. Drink lite beer. Long distance is cheaper at night.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22).
Never mind. You don't want to know.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21).
You are a winner, so don't worry about all those awful things they're saying
behind your back. You won't lose friends due to all the gossip, especially
since you don't have any friends anyway. So go ahead, be the smug ass that
you always wanted to be.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21).
Don't you have anything better to do than read this mindless garbage?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19).
You're not nearly as clever as you think you are. Humility would suit you
well. Give it a try. You might learn something. Yes, even you. On second
thought, you're a pretty hopeless case, after all. Don't bother. Forget it. 

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18).
Much to do and little time. In particular, if that project isn't finished
soon, you will be.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20).
They don't call you fish-breath for nothing. That is, when they're not
calling you dog-breath, cat-breath, horse-breath, cow-breath, or
moose-breath. Ever hear of Certs?

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: 
Congratulations! Aging is indicated. You'll notice yourself getting older.
Start counting the gray hairs. After you've gone bald, even gray hairs will
be a fond memory. Notice how the crow-tracks around your eyes look more
like bomb craters. You probably didn't feel so hot this morning. It will be
worse tomorrow. How's your bladder? Take Geritol.


(c)Copyright 1985, Gary Benson. Some rights reserved.
  For a complete transcript, send $2.00 and a self-addressed stamped envelope
  to Merkel Press, Washington D.C.   Any similarity between persons living or
  dead is the result of a chronosynclastic infundibulum.


-- 
			       Ensign Benson
			       -Space Cadet-
 
    _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-The Digital Circus, Sector R-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_