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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Ensign Benson, Space Cadet)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: HOROSCOPE: 5/10/85
Message-ID: <603@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 9-May-85 12:34:51 EDT
Article-I.D.: tpvax.603
Posted: Thu May  9 12:34:51 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 12-May-85 11:30:36 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: The Digital Circus, Sector R
Lines: 78

HOROSCOPE

For Friday, May 10, 1984

ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
It's a star-spangled day for you, but everyone's wondering why you're
wearing a flag. Surprise phone call in mid-afternoon from your real mother 
tells you the check is in the mail. It's still a lie, of course.

TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
You reach heights of embarrassment today when that 'mystery friend' notices
your dentures are missing. Better to give up now than try to go through with
plans for assault on Everest. Base camp Beef-a-Roni undoubtedly poisoned by
suspicious sherpa. Avalanche destroys three yak.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20)
Now is the time for all good men to jump over the lazy dog's back. The quick
brown fox comes to the aid of the country.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22)
Mysterious postcard from Ellis Island informs you that Scarlett's hives are
acting up again. The Mother Superior meets Reverend Jacoby for a tryst in
the arboretum, and they cook up a plan to return you to Quito. Beware.
Danger lurks in jungle ruins.

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22)
Once a fool, always a fool. The handcuffs chafe your wrists, causing your
excema to become gangrenous. Complaints to the authorities do little good.
If you'd have asked earlier, something could have been done, but not now,
sucker. Tough luck.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Disgruntled office-mate staples your lips together. All around you hold you
in contempt, and with good reason. You should spend more time eating and
less spreading ugly rumors. Or vice-versa.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
No news is good news. Sorry, the picture portion of your h'scope was lost in
transmission from Betelgeuse. Fake it and get your message from Scorpio
today, but be sure to carry a weapon.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
Watch out for strange Libra types reading over your shoulder. There may be a
knife hidden in that innocently held printout. Strike first if you intend to
survive.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Everything you read today is false. Believe no one to maximize your
effectiveness, undermine enemies. Of course, every word of this message is
true, so don't believe it either.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
OK, OK! It's the 10th of May, outdoor sex ends today. What kind of wierdo are
you, anyway? That scene in the parking lot was disgusting.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning; I'd hammer in the evening, all
over your head. If I had a bell, I'd ring out danger; I'd ring out warning,
I'd ring out sludge all over this land-tan-tan.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Those who are saying those terrible things about you are being far too kind.
Take the advice of that fortune cookie; it makes more sense than anything
you'll ever read here. And good luck. You're going to need it when you get
hauled into court for passing phony fortune cookies.

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: 
Never a better time to grow a beard. If you have one already, shave it. Use
the past participle more often for improved relations with spouse,
significant other. Late evening brings UFOs into your backyard, seriously
maiming several guests and knocking over the Weber grill. It could be worse,
though - the steaks aren't harmed. Now get back to work, knuckle-head.

-- 
			       Ensign Benson
			       -Space Cadet-
 
    _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-The Digital Circus, Sector R-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_