Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site duke.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!gamma!epsilon!zeta!sabre!bellcore!decvax!mcnc!duke!wwc From: wwc@duke.UUCP (William W. Cohen) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Jesus Jokes, offensive to Xians and right-thinking people Message-ID: <5857@duke.UUCP> Date: Mon, 13-May-85 19:54:26 EDT Article-I.D.: duke.5857 Posted: Mon May 13 19:54:26 1985 Date-Received: Thu, 16-May-85 06:45:37 EDT Organization: Duke University Lines: 80 Canonical Collection of Jesus Jokes I'm putting together a canonical collection of Jesus jokes. This is version 1.1 of the collection. If you know any others, please send them to me. I will collect any new ones and re-post them to the net, possibly in installments if there are a lot of long jokes. Here goes .... *************************************************************************** Q: Why can't Jesus eat M & M's ? A: They fall through the holes in his hands. Q: Why didn't Jesus get into MIT ? A: His grades were OK, but he got nailed on his boards. Q: What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn ? A: Threw some nails down on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the night ?" *************************************************************************** Of course, I don't want to preclude longer and richer Jesus jokes from the collection. *************************************************************************** An old rabbi is praying. "Lord", he says, ""I'm worried about my son. He is thinking of becoming a Christian." And the answer comes booming back "You're worried about *your* son ? You think you've got problems ? ..." Jesus and Moses are in Heaven, fishing from a rowboat. Conversation naturally turns back to the good old days when they were on Earth, and whether they "still have it". They both agree to work a few miracles, just for old time's sake. So, Moses stands up, extends his arm, and sure enough, the waters of the lake part and the rowboat settles gently to the bottom. He lowers his hand, and the waters close in again. In a few moments, the lake has returned to normal and the rowboat is again afloat. "Pretty good, Moe" says J. approvingly. "Now let me give my schtick a try." He climbs of the rowboat and takes a few steps across the waters of the lake and then starts sinking! first up to his ankles, then to his knees ... Moses pulls the boat over and hauls him in, just barely in time. "Jesus Christ!" says Moses. "What do you suppose happened to you ?" "Aw, Moe, I should have known better than to try that one." Jesus replies. "The last time I didn't have these damn holes in my feet." Jesus and God the father decide take a break from Heaven for a few hours, so they head down to Hilton Head Island to catch some golf. They're dead even going into the last hole, which is a difficult par 5. Jesus makes e beautiful 200 yard drive. Another shot takes him up on the green, and he finally sinks a twenty-foot put for a very respectable birdie. So, God scratches his head and steps up to the tee. He pulls back, hits the ball ... and cuts to the left terribly, right into the woods. Meanwhile, in the woods, a squirrel is just leaving its home in the hollow of a very large oak tree. As he pokes his head out, the golf ball hits him sqarely between the eyes. He falls senseless toward the ground and lands on the back of a rabbit that was napping beneath the tree, with the golf ball lodged between his (the squirrel's) ears. The rabbit, of course, wakes up, becomes alarmed, and runs panic-stricken out into the green. It's just about to reach the cup when a huge bald eagle spies this tasty double treat of the rabbit with the squirrel still unconcious on its back. So the eagle swoops down, grabs the rabbit with the squirrel and starts circling up into the heavens. When it's about 1000 feet up, however, a bolt of lightening comes out of the cloudless sky and strikes the eagle dead. The rabbit and the squirrel plummet like stones toward the green below. As they hit the green and bounce for the second time, the golf ball finally comes dislodged from between the squirrel's ears and rolls across the green ... toward the cup ... trembles precariously on the lip of the cup for a second ... and falls in. Jesus looks over at God. "Come on, Dad" he says. "Are you going to fuck around, or are you going to play golf ?"