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From: clark@sdcsla.UUCP (Clark Quinn)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Too much to ask?
Message-ID: <849@sdcsla.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 10-May-85 13:54:17 EDT
Article-I.D.: sdcsla.849
Posted: Fri May 10 13:54:17 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 14-May-85 06:51:10 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: U.C. San Diego, Cognitive Science Lab
Lines: 64

Back in February I had finally got used to the idea of being single,
and was prepared to enjoy it, when I met this really nice woman through
a dating service ("What?" you say?  That's another story).  It turned
out she was charming, intelligent, lively, etc.  We hit it off quite well,
and started going out fairly heavily.  She is divorced, I was merely (?)
getting over living with someone for three and more years.  

It got to the point where I was willing to have the relationship become
exclusive (yeah, and that was the first for me for a long time), but she
wasn't sure.  I was a little hurt, having misread some things she had said,
but, well, OK.  Recently we did reach an exclusive arrangement, but
then she told me one night (over the phone) that she was going out the next
night.  That was a Thursday, and we arranged to talk Saturday.  I was mad
that she hadn't told me before (we had gone out Wed nite), and I almost
had to drag the information out of her.  A little background: my living
together relationship had broken up for lack of communication, and
communication is of primary importnce to me.  

I was rather twisted up from Thurs to Sat.   Well, we finally talked, and
she assured me that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone else, but
since she paid that membership fee (as did I), she wants to use it, and
feels a need to establish some other friendships.  That *does* mean that
she makes dates with other men, a time I am not to be around.  This is
really racking me up.  When we talked on that Saturday (six days ago) I
said I would see how well I could take it, but as I have a tendency to get
into things whole-heartedly, I am not taking it very well.  I thought I was,
until the situation came up where she is not going to be free one night soon,
and I really choked on it.

My questions are 
1) Am I just too insecure to realize what she is asking isn't any problem 
*or* is it too much for one man to be expected to handle with grace
and aplomb?

2) What can I do?  She said that she didn't want to lose me, and would stop
if that's what it meant, but I don't see that as an option, because then
she would resent me, as I am now resenting her.  I could try to tone down
my feelings in the matter, and go out with other women, but I don't really
believe in toning down feelings artificially, nor am I convinced I can live
with seeing her and trying to suppress feelings.   I can just drop the
whole thing and run like a dog for the hills, which is clearly the easiest
thing to do and would hurt least in the long run.  Or I can try to find out
why I am having such a problem with this and let it continue as it is.
Clearly, I haven't decided what I intend to do.  I *am* going to tell her what 
I am feeling (coincident with my beliefs on communication).

I have tried to paint this in as objective a tone as possible, altho you may
want to interpolate her side of it as well.  The writing down of this actually
helps in my understanding of the problem, but the pain inside me has
cost the humorous ways I had thought of describing it (sorry if it's a bit
dry).  To make sure this isn't a public psychoanalysis, I think that these
questions are of general interest.  If you remove them from this particular
context (hah, maybe *you* can), I think the question of "how much freedom can
(should) one relationship tolerate" or some such wording is of interest.

Thanks, -- Clark


 Clark N. Quinn
 Institute for Cognitive Science C-015
 University of California, San Diego
 La Jolla, California 92093
 (619) 452-2541 (UCSD): (619) 481-0952 (Home)
 {ucbvax,decvax,akgua,dcdwest}!sdcsvax!sdcsla!clark  OR  clark@nprdc