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From: dsn@tove.UUCP (Dana S. Nau)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Too much to ask?
Message-ID: <207@tove.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 12-May-85 20:47:35 EDT
Article-I.D.: tove.207
Posted: Sun May 12 20:47:35 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 14-May-85 08:30:09 EDT
References: <849@sdcsla.UUCP>
Reply-To: dsn@tove.UUCP (Dana S. Nau)
Distribution: net
Organization: U of Maryland, Laboratory for Parallel Computation, C.P., MD
Lines: 61

In article <849@sdcsla.UUCP> clark@sdcsla.UUCP (Clark Quinn) writes:
>  ...  Recently we did reach an exclusive arrangement, but
> then she told me one night (over the phone) that she was going out the next
> night. ... I am not taking it very well. ...
> 
> 1) Am I just too insecure to realize what she is asking isn't any problem
> *or* is it too much for one man to be expected to handle with grace
> and aplomb?

When I'm upset at my girlfriend, it's natural for me to wonder whether
my point of view is justified, but it usually isn't very helpful.  Feelings
are not things that are "right" or "wrong".  For me, a far more effective
approach has been "what I want is OK, and what you want is also OK--even
though our wants may be in conflict with each other".  I'll give an example
at the end of this message.

> 2) What can I do? ... I could try to tone down
> my feelings in the matter, and go out with other women, but I don't really
> believe in toning down feelings artificially ...  I can just drop the
> whole thing and run like a dog for the hills, which is clearly the easiest
> thing to do and would hurt least in the long run. ...

Running for the hills is certainly a viable option.  But it may not
necessarily be the least costly one.  The problems I haven't solved in one
relationship sometimes recur in subsequent ones.

If you decide you want to keep seeing her, then pulling back and possibly
dating others might be pretty effective.  If she's feeling too close to you
and wants a bit of distance, trying to pull her closer could simply drive
her further away from you, but "hanging loose" might make you look more
attractive to her.  Pulling back need not mean suppressing your feelings and
desires--but simply realizing that right now, they can't be met through her.
Also, there are some nice things about being independent, if you can let
yourself enjoy them.

> Clearly, I haven't decided what I intend to do.  I *am* going to tell her
> what I am feeling (coincident with my beliefs on communication).

I think that's a good idea.  But be careful HOW you communicate your
feelings to her.  Here's an example of what I mean:

My girlfriend was recently on a two-week trip to the west coast, and didn't
get in touch with me the entire time.  I interpreted this to mean that I
wasn't important to her, and proceeded to get really upset about it.  When
she returned and I picked her up at the airport, I had the options of (1)
being upset, (2) being glad to see her and acting romantic, and (3) being
somewhere in between.

Given my frame of mind, (1) was tempting--but had I chosen it, it would have
had the opposite effect from what I really wanted, which was to be closer to
her.  Instead, I chose (2), and we ended up having a REALLY nice evening
together.  Later, in a non-blaming way, I told her that it had hurt not to
hear from her and that it would be really wonderful if she could get in
touch with me when she's away.  She explained that she had been in a frame
of mind where she had wanted to get away from everything and everyone--that
she hadn't even called her mother until after she had been gone about a
week.  She also agreed to call me when she's away in the future.
-- 
Dana S. Nau,  Computer Science Dept.,  U. of Maryland,  College Park, MD 20742
ARPA:  dsn@maryland				CSNet:  dsn@umcp-cs
UUCP:  {seismo,allegra,brl-bmd}!umcp-cs!dsn	Phone:  (301) 454-7932