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From: djs@opus.UUCP (Diana Spalding)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Too much to ask?
Message-ID: <1194@opus.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 13-May-85 23:07:13 EDT
Article-I.D.: opus.1194
Posted: Mon May 13 23:07:13 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 16-May-85 06:29:32 EDT
References: <849@sdcsla.UUCP>
Distribution: net
Organization: NBI,Inc, Boulder CO
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> Back in February I had finally got used to the idea of being single,
> and was prepared to enjoy it, when I met this really nice woman through
> a dating service . . .
> 
> she assured me that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone else, but
> since she paid that membership fee (as did I), she wants to use it, and
> feels a need to establish some other friendships.  That *does* mean that
> she makes dates with other men, a time I am not to be around.  This is
> really racking me up.  When we talked on that Saturday (six days ago) I
> said I would see how well I could take it, but as I have a tendency to get
> into things whole-heartedly, I am not taking it very well.  I thought I was,
> until the situation came up where she is not going to be free one night soon,
> and I really choked on it.
> 
> My questions are 
> 1) Am I just too insecure to realize what she is asking isn't any problem 
> *or* is it too much for one man to be expected to handle with grace
> and aplomb?
> 
> 2) What can I do?  She said that she didn't want to lose me, and would stop
> if that's what it meant, but I don't see that as an option, because then
> she would resent me, as I am now resenting her.  I could try to tone down
> my feelings in the matter, and go out with other women, but I don't really
> believe in toning down feelings artificially, nor am I convinced I can live
> with seeing her and trying to suppress feelings.   I can just drop the
> whole thing and run like a dog for the hills, which is clearly the easiest
> thing to do and would hurt least in the long run.  Or I can try to find out
> why I am having such a problem with this and let it continue as it is.
> Clearly, I haven't decided what I intend to do.   . . .
> 
> Thanks, -- Clark


It sounds to me like your girlfriend (?) wants more freedom and less commitment
than you do.  You're right, if you deny her this freedom, she is likely to
resent you for it and will probably have suppressed feelings of hostility that
will eventually break up the relationship.  If her seeing other people makes
you feel used, maybe you need to take a step back and make the relationship
less important in your own mind.  If you can't do THAT, maybe you should stop
seeing her for awhile and see how that goes.  I know that sounds drastic, and
I'd only recommend it IF you can't be comfortable with her seeing other men
while you and she are still involved.  

Relationships are only healthy if both people are allowed room for emotional
growth.  If she stops seeing these other men because you make it a condition
of your relationship, her growth will be stifled.  (If she stops because SHE
wants to, that's a different story.)  If you stay in the relationship while
she sees these other men and you find that YOU are resentful and maybe even
miserable, then YOUR growth is being stifled.  So, I vote that you either
find a way to continue things where you are BOTH allowed room to grow, or you
terminate the relationship at least temporarily.

Hope that helps.