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From: clark@sdcsla.UUCP (Clark Quinn)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Too much to ask?
Message-ID: <855@sdcsla.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 14-May-85 17:06:01 EDT
Article-I.D.: sdcsla.855
Posted: Tue May 14 17:06:01 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 17-May-85 01:19:51 EDT
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Organization: U.C. San Diego, Cognitive Science Lab
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A message I posted received the following response from Sunny Kirsten,
which I feel a need to reply to, to clear up assumptions, and to 
keep anyone else from misinterpreting me.

>> I was a little hurt, having misread some things she had said,
> 
>Then sharpen up your communications skills, listen more carefully to what
>she wants and says.

I guess that's the case, although I find it hard to interpret statements to
the effect of "I want to keep you all for myself" in any other way.

>> Recently we did reach an exclusive arrangement, but then she told me
>> me that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone else, but
>> she feels a need to establish some other friendships.
>
>It sounds like you may have pressured her into, or she may have, in order
>to please you, agreement to relational exclusivity.  One should not confuse
>commitment to be prime mate with ownership (e.g. of every evening of her time)

I really am not asking for every evening of her time, as I have no problem
with her maintaining her old friendships or even making new ones (although
that could be interpreted by the above quote, I agree), rather I am having a 
little trouble with the concept that she wants to establish new friendships 
with other men who don't know that she has anyone else.  I am willing to let 
her be free if that is what she wants, but she insists that she wants a
relationship with me *only*, and that she just wants to "go out" with these
other, new, men.  
 
>> My questions are 
>> 1) Am I just too insecure to realize what she is asking isn't any problem 
>> *or* is it too much for one man to be expected to handle with grace
>> and aplomb? 
>
>If out of insecurity you succeed in dominating her into suppressing her need
>of socialization with other people, you will, in the long run, only succeed
>in driving her away from you totally, since the choice you give her is to
>either give you up or give up everyone else.  Don't force her to make that
>choice.  There are no guarantees.  

I had to include this paragraph for the heavy connotations of the words
"dominating" and "suppressing" (along with the previous comment about
"ownership").  Makes me sound like some sort of fascist.   The power of the
pen.  As I said above, I am not trying to keep her from her friends,
anymore than I would want her to keep me from mine (indeed, I have
introduced her to my friends, and she has done likewise).  I want to do
things *with* her, not lock her away in some castle tower.  I *do* begrudge 
her going out with new men (from this service) who are looking for a
relationship, when she complains of not having enough time as it is to see
me along with her other activities.

>> 2) What can I do?
>
>Enjoy what time with her you have, and find other friends and aquaintances
>yourself
>				Sunny
>-- 
>{ucbvax,decvax,ihnp4}!sun!sunny (Ms. Sunny Kirsten)

This is, essentially, what I have decided to do.  I have talked to her and
I plan on enjoying the time I have with her (I already have friends and
acquaintances such that I don't need to *find* anymore).  I have told
myself (and her) that if I can't handle the next time, I will probably
quietly bow out (her changing, as I said before, is not an option, I don't
expect or want her to stop doing something she needs to do, especially
since it would probably cause her to resent me herself).   Logically I know
that if she wants a relationship only with me, I should have no problem
with her going out, but emotionally it is not so easy to accept.  Ah, well,
I guess I'll see.  Thanks to the others who responded (one suggested
psychoanalysis, somewhat facetiously, I believe, a couple of others were
supportive).  -- Clark


 Clark N. Quinn
 Institute for Cognitive Science C-015
 University of California, San Diego
 La Jolla, California 92093
 (619) 452-2541 (UCSD): (619) 481-0952 (Home)
 {ucbvax,decvax,akgua,dcdwest}!sdcsvax!sdcsla!clark  OR  clark@nprdc