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From: dmmartindale@watcgl.UUCP (Dave Martindale)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Too much to ask?
Message-ID: <1854@watcgl.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 17-May-85 10:07:51 EDT
Article-I.D.: watcgl.1854
Posted: Fri May 17 10:07:51 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 18-May-85 01:04:44 EDT
References: <849@sdcsla.UUCP> <2179@sun.uucp> <855@sdcsla.UUCP>
Reply-To: dmmartindale@watcgl.UUCP (Dave Martindale)
Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario
Lines: 96

Several people have told Clark that he should make sure that the woman
understands how he feels.  I agree, but he should also make every
attempt to understand how SHE really feels.  The problem, I think,
is caused by Clark not really understanding how she can really want
an exclusive relationship with him and still want to date other men -
he doesn't feel the desire to date other women, so she must feel at
least SOMEHOW differently about him than he does about her.  To Clark,
wanting an exclusive relationship and wanting to date other men seem
contradictory, and he may have an uneasy feeling precisely because he
doesn't really understand, in a way that makes sense to him, what the
woman wants.  [This is all hypothesizing on my part; how accurate does
it seem?]  Ultimately, it seems that she isn't as willing to commit
herself to the relationship as Clark is, which leaves him anxious
that she may eventually back out.

Anyway, if Clark could actually somehow find and understand the
subtleties of how she feels, the anxiety of not understanding would
be relieved.  Perhaps the woman really isn't ready to commit herself
to an exclusive relationship with Clark, and is really still "looking
around", and just saying that she does want a relationship only with
him in order to keep him around.  (This is the "worst" case.)
More likely, she may like Clark a lot, and just isn't ready (for whatever
reason) to make a commitment to an exclusive relationship with ANYONE
at the moment, and seeing other men is a way to ensure this.  Or maybe
she just feels that she OUGHT to see other men for some reason even
though she isn't particularly interested.  In all of these possibilities
(except the first) she is telling the truth when she says she wants an
exclusive relationship with you right now, and yet she has some reason
for also wanting to date other men.

Anyway, she does have some reason for avoiding full commitment.  If you
understood why, you'd have a better idea of what possibly lies in
the future.  But she might not know herself how she feels, so she
may not be able to tell you.


Some specific comments:

>>> I was a little hurt, having misread some things she had said,
>> 
>>Then sharpen up your communications skills, listen more carefully to what
>>she wants and says.
>
>I guess that's the case, although I find it hard to interpret statements to
>the effect of "I want to keep you all for myself" in any other way.

There ARE several subtleties possible: She meant this when she first said
it, but is not quite so sure anymore and doesn't want to back down.  Or
she really does want an exclusive relationship with you, but part of her
is afraid.  Or, she is trying to say "I love you" in the form she thinks
YOU want to hear even though SHE doesn't think of love in terms of
exclusivity.  Lots of possibilities.
>
>>> Recently we did reach an exclusive arrangement, but then she told me
>>> me that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone else, but
>>> she feels a need to establish some other friendships.
>>
>>It sounds like you may have pressured her into, or she may have, in order
>>to please you, agreement to relational exclusivity.  One should not confuse
>>commitment to be prime mate with ownership (e.g. of every evening of her time)
j
>I really am not asking for every evening of her time, as I have no problem
>with her maintaining her old friendships or even making new ones (although
>that could be interpreted by the above quote, I agree), rather I am having a 
>little trouble with the concept that she wants to establish new friendships 
>with other men who don't know that she has anyone else.  I am willing to let 
>her be free if that is what she wants, but she insists that she wants a
>relationship with me *only*, and that she just wants to "go out" with these
>other, new, men.  
>[....]  I *do* begrudge 
>her going out with new men (from this service) who are looking for a
>relationship, when she complains of not having enough time as it is to see
>me along with her other activities.
>[...]
Logically I know
>that if she wants a relationship only with me, I should have no problem
>with her going out, but emotionally it is not so easy to accept.  Ah, well,
>I guess I'll see.

Emotionally it's hard to accept because you can't be sure that she's going
to remain "yours" (nothing sinister implied!).  No one can ever be sure
of that of anyone, of course, but she isn't willing to make the sort of
commitment you are, which emphasises the uncertainty.  I don't believe
you are trying to "own" her, you just want the feelings to be wholly
mutual.  But they aren't, for whatever reason, and the best you can do
is let her work things out while letting her know that you do want her.
And hoping for the best.

You could always decide to make life easier on yourself and run away,
but then you may never know whether this might have worked out.
It is an option, though.

(This isn't as clear a comment as I'd hoped to write, but I've spent too
much time on it already).

	Dave Martindale