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From: schultz@bgsuvax.UUCP (Steven Schultz)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: RE: second tries
Message-ID: <440@bgsuvax.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 17-May-85 15:35:54 EDT
Article-I.D.: bgsuvax.440
Posted: Fri May 17 15:35:54 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 18-May-85 02:38:07 EDT
Organization: Bowling Green State University, OH
Lines: 78

>The scenario is this: My current XSO and possible SO2B is seriously
>considering the possibilities of getting back together with me. She
>"left" me about 8 months ago (we have remained the best of friends),
>because she had no previous experience with dating guys, and felt kind
>of restricted in our relationship (not that I opposed her going out with
>other people, but that being in a relationship with me made it difficult
>to establish one with others.) She is eager to restart it, and so am I.
>I think.
>What I am worried about is how to deal with the resentment of what
>happened between us, and my pain from the breakup. I have forgiven her,
>but I also am afraid that little pangs of jealousy might start cropping
>up in my feelings towards her. I serioulsy have no idea of what will
>really happen, and I have never really seen this happen effectivly
>before. (I've only seen it attempted once, and the situation was quite a
>bit different.) So tell me: Is it possible to love someone again the
>same way you used to? I think I'm going to find out the hard way, but
>I'd also like to know what I'm going to be up against.
>--

Dear Fritzz,

   I am currently in a relationship such as you described in your article.
My SO and I had previously dated for a year and a half before we (she) broke
up our relationship. We didn't have a good relationship the first time 
around, in fact, it was quite dull.  We seemed to have very little in common,
and our dates usually meant going to bars(fun, fun).  So, we broke up, but
we still remained friends. After we had been apart for about 10 months (and
all wounds were pretty well healed), I ran into her in town, and casually
mentioned my upcoming New Years party.  A few days later, she called and got
directions to my place, and said she would come with some of her friends.
I was (at this time) harboring no thoughts of our resuming our relationship,
because I was pursuing other relationships at this time.  I had invited her to
my party because she had no plans, and I had invited a few of her old friends.
   Anyhow, we spent some time together that night, and we decided to start
dating again.  It has been four and a half months now, and our relationship
continues to grow.  We are going different places together, communicating
a helluva lot better, and spending every minute together that we can.  For us,
it is much better the second time around.  Unfortunately, we have quite a bit
of uncertainty in our lives now.  We don't know where she will have to move
to in her upcoming job transfer, or how long I will be rooted to my present
locale.  We don't like the uncertainty, but, we have decided (from the start)
not to make any commitments because that was the downfall of our last
romance.  We take each week as it comes, and truly enjoy each others company,
our successes and failures, and helping each other in any way.   
   You asked about jealousy, hmmm.  I can understand your sensitivity to
having some resentment surfacing to destroy a happy reconciliation.  I feel
pangs of jealousy whenever my SO brings up one of her XSO's.  But, I think
that not talking about them would present more problems in the future.  You
see, if she never talked about her ex's, I might begin to think that she is
hidng something and that would make me a very suspicious person.  I still
had some old deep-rooted resentments, but after a month or so, we were able to 
talk about why we broke up, and what will keep us from separating in such a
fashion that will hurt feelings.  Just make an extra effort at open 
communication.  Not talking to partners screws up more relationships than I
can count.  If you talk about hurt feelings, they won't hurt so bad anymore,
and after subsequent talks, the hurt disappears and is replaced with something
that everybody craves - love.
   You really just gotta give it a try, Fritzz.  I found that you can love
somebody *MORE* the second time around.  For me, every day just gets better
and more comfortable.  Be careful, resentment is a powerful feeling, and it
can control your actions.  Give her some idea of what she's getting into
the first time you go out with her.  And, remember, she has feelings, too,
and some of them may be resentful.
   Keep in touch, because I need a sounding board, too, and there is no better
sounding board than one that has gone through the same wringer that I have.
Good luck, and take care.


                              Steven Schultz


PS: One thing that has changed is that the fact that she initiated the 
    reconciliation (as is happening to you) and now, she calls me more often
    than I call her.  She's making it too easy to make it a success this time.

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