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From: moiram@tektronix.UUCP (Moira Mallison )
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Too much to ask?
Message-ID: <5368@tektronix.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 22-May-85 13:42:32 EDT
Article-I.D.: tektroni.5368
Posted: Wed May 22 13:42:32 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 24-May-85 03:10:46 EDT
References: <849@sdcsla.UUCP> <1194@opus.UUCP>
Reply-To: moiram@tektronix.UUCP (Moira Mallison )
Distribution: net
Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR
Lines: 30
Summary: 

Clark,

Because she said something two weeks ago, or two days ago, or
two hours ago, doesn't mean that it is the way she feels this
moment.  This is especially true during times when the 
relationship is in hard times.  Part of the answer is to
continue to communicate, and more importantly, when you are
clarifying (ie, what you said was__________.  What's happening
now is_____________) is to do it in such a way that she doesn't
feel like she has to defend herself.  If that happens, communi-
cation is unlikely to be productive.  

Sometimes when I get into these emotional reactive states, I react either
in private (my journal), or with an uninvolved friend.  Express
those feelings, and know they are valid.  Then when the feeling
is spent (and there may just be a *moment* of lucidity, I'll
grant you!), ask what it is you really want out of the interaction.
Then you can clearly and clamly ask for what you want.  

It might also work for you to say, "look, I have these feelings
that I just want to express right now, and I don't expect my
expression of these feelings to change things; I just have 
to get them off my chest before we can talk calmly about this
situation."  This requires of her the ability to not get caught
up in reacting to  your feelings, though, and  you being honest
about not wanting the expression of your feelings to change the
state of the relationship.

Moira Mallison
tektronix!moiram