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From: henry@rochester.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: second tries (long)
Message-ID: <9707@rochester.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 21-May-85 10:56:39 EDT
Article-I.D.: rocheste.9707
Posted: Tue May 21 10:56:39 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 24-May-85 06:57:27 EDT
Sender: henry@rochester.UUCP
Organization: U. of Rochester, CS Dept.
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From: Henry.Kautz

>Does anybody out there have any experience or ideas on restarting a
>relationship once it has been broken up?
>
>The scenario is this: My current XSO and possible SO2B is seriously
>considering the possibilities of getting back together with me. She
>"left" me about 8 months ago (we have remained the best of friends),
>because she had no previous experience with dating guys, and felt kind
>of restricted in our relationship (not that I opposed her going out with
>other people, but that being in a relationship with me made it difficult
>to establish one with others.) She is eager to restart it, and so am I.
>I think.
>What I am worried about is how to deal with the resentment of what
>happened between us, and my pain from the breakup. I have forgiven her,
>but I also am afraid that little pangs of jealousy might start cropping
>up in my feelings towards her. I serioulsy have no idea of what will
>really happen, and I have never really seen this happen effectivly
>before. (I've only seen it attempted once, and the situation was quite a
>bit different.) So tell me: Is it possible to love someone again the
>same way you used to? I think I'm going to find out the hard way, but
>I'd also like to know what I'm going to be up against.
>
>Any comments, either constructive or destructive, are appreciated.
>-- 
>ihnp4--\                                        fritzz the Zebra
>decvax--\	
>akgua----\	At both ends of the social spectrum
>dcdwest---\	lies a leisure class.
>bumvax-----\	
>ucbvax-------- sdcsvax -- sdcc3 -- fritzz

It sounds like you should stop worrying, and get back together!  I was
in an identical situation a few years ago: my girlfriend and I had been
going out for a long time, and she had never gone out with any other
guy; finally, she felt she need some time to be free and explore other
relationships.  We got back together after a year, and our relationship
is much better and stronger than it has ever been, due in no little
part to the fact that she knows that she has freely choosen to be with
me, and isn't with me out of habit or insecurity, and that I do suit
her better than those other guys out there.

I really don't think this situation is all that uncommon:  count
yourself lucky that it happened now, and not (for instance) after you'd
been married for five years!  "Second tries" are only bad, I think,
when you broke up because of a problem which remains unresolved (that
doesn't seem to be the case here), or when there is no communication
about problems (again, not the case).

Resentment?  Well, its not enough just to "forgive" her:  it not the
case that she did something "wrong"; it sounds like she was honest to
you about her needs, and acted as she had to to help herself grow as a
person.  And I'd be suprised if breaking up was exactly a picnic for
her, either.  The combination of her actions, and your own insecurities
and possessiveness hurt you. So forgive yourself as well...

And when you start going crazy thinking about the other guys she has
gone out with (or she is so undiplomatic as to mention them), just
think about some of your own previous experiences (or casually bring
them into the conversation -- that should quickly lead to a change of
topic!)
---- Henry Kautz
	:uucp:	{seismo|allegra}!rochester!henry
	:arpa:	henry@rochester
	:mail:  Dept. of Comp. Sci., U. of Rochester, NY 14627
	:phone: (716) 275-5766