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From: anderson@ittvax.UUCP (Scott Anderson)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Too much to ask?
Message-ID: <1669@ittvax.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 20-May-85 17:18:49 EDT
Article-I.D.: ittvax.1669
Posted: Mon May 20 17:18:49 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 24-May-85 21:35:36 EDT
References: <849@sdcsla.UUCP>
Distribution: net
Organization: ITT-ATC, Stratford Ct.
Lines: 81

This is much edited. I hope the referenced letter is still 
intelligible.

> Back in February I had finally got used to the idea of being single,
> and was prepared to enjoy it, when I met this really nice woman through
> a dating service ......
> .....  Recently we did reach an exclusive arrangement, but
> then she told me one night (over the phone) that she was going out the next
> night. ....
> ...   Well, we finally talked, and
> she assured me that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone else, but
> since she paid that membership fee (as did I), she wants to use it, and
> feels a need to establish some other friendships.  That *does* mean that
> she makes dates with other men, a time I am not to be around.  This is
> really racking me up.....
> 
>  Clark N. Quinn
>  Institute for Cognitive Science C-015
>  University of California, San Diego
>  La Jolla, California 92093
>  (619) 452-2541 (UCSD): (619) 481-0952 (Home)
>  {ucbvax,decvax,akgua,dcdwest}!sdcsvax!sdcsla!clark  OR  clark@nprdc

Yep, your situation is of general interest, I think.  First, I
realized that she's not continuing the dating service either to "get
her money's worth" or "to make more friends."  The former is false
because one goes to a dating service for the primary objective of
meeting an potential SO, VIA a secondary objective (contractual
agreement) to have X dates.  If she really thought she'd found an SO,
she would not be  still pursuing the secondary objective.  People are
dumb, but not that dumb.  The latter is false because, I think most
people don't use dating services to meet people with an SO; hence
they'd be really pissed off when she told 'em "we can only be friends
'cuz there's this guy named Clark...."

It seems, to me at least, that she doesn't think of you as an SO,
and you do.  There is a disparity is affection, and THIS is why
your situation is of general interest.  I, certainly, have 
experienced this quite a lot, though I've never been to a dating
service.

A disparity of affection is deadly.  She could feel 1) trapped in a
more intense relationship than she wants, 2) guilty for leading you
on, 3) angry for you not letting go of her, 4) sad that it didn't
work out between you two, 5) desperate to find someone she really
does love, 6) selfish for taking from you without returning in 
equal measure .... or any combination of these feelings.  You could feel
1) hurt that she doesn't love you, 2) angry that she doesn't love 
you, 3) desperate to fix this relationship, 4) desperate to find
someone who can love you, and lots of other reasons that you know
very well.

At the same time, you're very fond of this person, so you're trying
to decide whether to keep her or not.  But to keep her means that the
relationship MUST be at a level of intensity that she can accept.
This will probably be a lower level than you want.  So, when I wrote
"keep her," I meant as a friend and companion and whatever else
she'll accept; I don't mean "as you were."  In order to keep her,
you must pretend, to some extent, to less feeling than you have.
This is because she'll feel uncomfortable in an unequal relationship.
It's sometimes difficult, I'll tell you from first-hand experience;
but for me it was worth it.  (Besides, we saved the hassle of one of
us moving out.  :-)

The other option, of course, is to let her go.

Basically, I think that if she wants to see other men, you've
already lost her @i(as a lover), and the question is whether you want
to try to keep her @i(as a friend).

I hope this helps.  Good luck, and I wish you well in your dilemma.

Scott D. Anderson
decvax!ittvax!anderson
203-926-5594

-- 
Scott D. Anderson
decvax!ittvax!anderson
203-385-7451 or 203-375-0200 for operator