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From: pooh@ut-sally.UUCP (Pooh @ the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: dancing, but not really
Message-ID: <1988@ut-sally.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 23-May-85 17:12:36 EDT
Article-I.D.: ut-sally.1988
Posted: Thu May 23 17:12:36 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 25-May-85 05:45:17 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: U. Texas CS Dept., Austin, Texas
Lines: 56


[peace through superior lasagna]

I read about an interesting, and what appears to
me to be highly common, psychological phenomenon
in relationships that I would like to throw
out to the audience.

It was described in a book entitled "What Do Women
Want?" (authors forgotten)--a deceptive title,
because it really deals with patterns of dependence
in both men and women.  The phenomenon is called
the "Cha-Cha Syndrome."

Basically, the dance goes like this:  Sue and
James are sitting reading in the living room.
Sue looks at James and thinks to herself how much
she loves him and how neat he is.  She gets up,
goes over to him and kisses him.  He looks up
briefly, smiles, and goes back to reading.
She says, "Instead of going to a movie tonight,
why don't we just stay home and be alone?"
James replies, "Well, I'd really like to see a movie."

Now, to Sue, James has rejected her in two small ways:
by going back to reading, and by rejecting her idea of
spending time alone together.  Feeling a little hurt,
Sue backs off and goes back to her chair.

James immediately senses the atmosphere growing a little chillier,
but doesn't know why.  After a time, he crosses to her
and puts his arm around her.  He asks, "Do you want me to
start dinner now?"  Sue looks up from her reading, but not
at him, and says, "No, I'm not really hungry right now."

Now James sense two small rejections--in her failure to
make eye contact, and in her rejection of his offer of dinner.
James then backs off and withdraws.

If one of them opens up and reveals his or her hurt feelings,
the Cha-Cha ends.  If not, each person reaches out and then
steps back alternately, in an endless cycle.  This can
go on and escalate until both are really angry without knowing
why.

Comments?  How many people know what the book
is talking about?  I think it's a common problem.

Pooh

--------------------------------------------
pooh@ut-sally.ARPA     [ihnp4, seismo, harvard, gatech]!ut-sally!pooh
pooh@purdue-ecn-cb.ARPA     pur-ee!pooh

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