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From: kenb@iddic.UUCP (ken brown)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Reflections of a VMS Wiz at USENIX
Message-ID: <2047@iddic.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 18-Jun-85 16:11:58 EDT
Article-I.D.: iddic.2047
Posted: Tue Jun 18 16:11:58 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 20-Jun-85 23:53:31 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR
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*** [line eater libation] ***

            Reflections of a VMS Wiz at USENIX
                    (The Uneasy Hacker)


I'm really quite happy with my VAX* with VMS*,
        But I guessed I'd best check out this UNIX* mess.
    So I signed me up for the USENIX con.

It was held downtown at the Marriot.
        They had USENET StarGated between Ozzie and Harriot,
    And a hundred brands of UNIX boxen shown downstairs.

Well, I was heading on up to a Hospitality Suite
        To get stuff to drink and junk to eat,
    And I guess I just spaced the room number.

I found myself facing a room full of geeks--
        (At least 30 assorted computer freaks)
    And they were plotting to overthrow the government.

I was turning around when the biggest hack
        Said, "You tip yer hat to Bell Labs, Mack!"
    So I asked him, "Why?  What've *they* done?"

They started looking pretty mean,
        So I had to do something pretty keen:
    I reached right up and toggled his nose!

I said, "You may not know it, but that's a wig--
        This man's a spy from the VMS SIG!
    And he's been sent down here to shut down the USENET News!

"Yeah, he's a friend of them short-haired yuppie-type COBOL nerds:
        And I bet ya he don't even know the words
    That'll get him in vault of the Bank of Zork!

"This, my friends, is an ARPANet Cop;
        Don't be fooled by his radical mop:
    He got it from the costume shop at the DoD!"

They all started looking real suspicious at him,
        He jumped up and said "Now just wait a minute, Jim,
    You know he's lying--I've been a hacker all my life.

"I'm a faithful follower of fathers Thompson and Ritchie,
        And I teach classes on UNIX and C!
    Why, my site's not even on ArpaNet!
            You can call up and check it tonight!"

Well, I guess I shoulda just logged out,
        But I wanted to remove all doubt,
    I shouted, "C overrides your parentheses!"

When I got in the hall I was really booking
        I'da outrun a Cray, the way I was cooking!
    I disappeared faster than a Cheshire Cat!

I think I'm gonna redo my .plan--
        Since I'm not really such a UNIX fan--
    I'll just read about USENIX in net.jokes!


*VAX and VMS are trademarks of Digital Equipment Corporation,
 UNIX is a trademark of AT&T, though I don't know why they bothered.


:-)     :-)     :-)     :-)     :-)     :-)     :-)     :-)     ;-)

Obviously, none of the above even qualifies as an opinion.

Ken Brown
...!tektronix!iddic!kenb