Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site randvax.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!gamma!epsilon!zeta!sabre!bellcore!decvax!ittvax!dcdwest!sdcsvax!sdcrdcf!randvax!edhall
From: edhall@randvax.UUCP (Ed Hall)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: dancing, but not really
Message-ID: <2519@randvax.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 3-Jun-85 23:01:46 EDT
Article-I.D.: randvax.2519
Posted: Mon Jun  3 23:01:46 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 8-Jun-85 01:49:07 EDT
References: <1988@ut-sally.UUCP>
Distribution: net
Organization: Rand Corp., Santa Monica
Lines: 38

Pooh describes a `cha-cha' that is sort of a slow-motion emotional tit-
for-tat.  I must admit, I've seen this sort of mis-communication happen
many times, both as an observer and (alas) as a participant.

At root, I suspect this ``dance'' has as much to do with lack of
emotional trust (often due to underlying insecurity) as anything else.
We're often loath to admit our own vulnerability to feelings of hurt,
and get into a situation where we play the game ``I'll only allow my-
self to be as vulnerable as you appear to be.''

These hurts (Jules Feiffer calls them ``little murders'') build up,
until either the relationship snaps, or (more commonly) one or the
other person breaks down, admits to the hurt (often in tones of anger),
and a gush of saved-up barbs and counter-barbs occurs.  Then, having
faced the worst, vulnerabilities now out in the open, the couple makes
up, feeling close again (amazing how much lovemaking is done after
such fights!), and with only a bruise or two the relationship drifts
on as before.

In fact, the intense relief of ``getting your guts clean'' from such
fights becomes addictive to some couples, and the relationship is
felt (by the participants) to be in serious trouble when such fighting
stops!

Trouble comes when a person used to this form of relationship gets
together with someone who isn't.  Such relationships can be quite
painful to both parties.  And even in a relationship where both parties
are used to using fighting as a means of reducing emotional tension, it
can take its toll.  It is my own belief that relating in such a way
forfeits a great deal of the synergy that is possible between two people
who feel emotionally ``relaxed'' with each other most of the time.

Yet it is when the dance goes on, and the sufferring continues in silence,
that things are at their worse.  In such circumstances, a fairly fought
verbal battle just might be a good thing.

		-Ed Hall
		decvax!randvax!edhall