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From: clark@sdcsla.UUCP (Clark Quinn)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Followup to Too Much to Ask?
Message-ID: <882@sdcsla.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 7-Jun-85 01:42:10 EDT
Article-I.D.: sdcsla.882
Posted: Fri Jun  7 01:42:10 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 9-Jun-85 02:17:49 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: U.C. San Diego, Cognitive Science Lab
Lines: 60

Well, first I would like to thank everyone who responded to the original or
the followup postings to my message.  I think it is time to clear up any
misunderstandings and to let you know what happened (if you care).  

First, to clear up a misunderstanding.  Some of the followup postings took the
attitude that since she had joined this dating service, she wanted to meet men
and potential SO's.  I must admit that this was my initial assumption also.
(Back to that old saying about assumptions).  In this case, that assumption,
although justifiable, was inaccurate.  She had moved here to San Diego while
married, was now single, but had just come off of night shift and was having
trouble meeting people to be friends with, outside of work.  Her motivation
for joining the club was to meet *people* not *a potential SO*.  In fact, her
main problem with me was not that she wasn't pleased to meet me, but that she
first had wanted to meet some people (although why I interfered with this, in
her mind, is not clear).  So she was not trying to date people romantically.
Even when she wanted to go out with other men, it was not romantically, it was
to find friends.  She was not trying to have a double standard, she wanted a
romantic relationship with me, but wanted to go out with other men and people
to establish friendships.  I was free to go out with other people also.  I
just had less inclination to go out with other, new, people (read: women),
as I do not have a need to *find* new friends.  Someone who responded (I lost
the name, unless cbosgd is a name) mentioned that the problem was with me not
understanding how she could want an exclusive relationship with me and still
date other men.  She picked up on this as a particularly apt assessment of the
problem.

What happened is, I decided I would see how well I could take going out with
her and have her going out with other men.  Although I knew that it was only
for friendships *logically*, emotions didn't follow so well.  I will admit I had
trouble with it, although I did pretty well.  She, however, found that it was
not so easy to go out with the men from this club only for friendship.  Not
that they were not nice, but it was awkward, apparently.  At any rate, she
has told me that she now does not want to go out with anyone else, although
she still needs her freedom to do things that will allow her to meet people,
something I have never even *tried* to keep her from doing, or wanted to.
One of the reasons I value her is her independence.  I had a relationship 
with a woman who was dependent on me, and it was not so great.  (Wouldn't you
know, she makes this decision just after I get used to going out with other
women. :-)  

A number of interesting results from my posting.  One was that it helped me
alot to put my feelings down (on electronic paper).  Even if I had not posted
it, it was quite useful.  And the response was really heartening.  Net people,
you are really quite a soulful bunch.  You exhibit an incredible amount of
compassion with the advice of experience.  Despite the diversity of responses,
they all (well, with the exception of two, better left undiscussed) showed
true sympathy and an effort to help.  I send my thanks, and to those who have
or are going through something similar, my deepest sympathies.  And the
responses did, I think, address some general issues of freedom/responsibility
in relationships.  I hope that all benefited from the discussion; obviously I
did.  

Again, thanks.  -- Clark

 Clark N. Quinn
 Institute for Cognitive Science C-015
 University of California, San Diego
 La Jolla, California 92093
 (619) 452-2541 (UCSD): (619) 481-0952 (Home)
 {ucbvax,decvax,akgua,dcdwest}!sdcsvax!sdcsla!clark  OR  clark@nprdc