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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!gatech!ut-sally!pooh
From: pooh@ut-sally.UUCP (Pooh @ the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: XSO != friends
Message-ID: <2097@ut-sally.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 13-Jun-85 13:33:42 EDT
Article-I.D.: ut-sally.2097
Posted: Thu Jun 13 13:33:42 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 14-Jun-85 05:22:16 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: U. Texas CS Dept., Austin, Texas
Lines: 47


Perhaps this view will help a few people
understand:

When you upgrade to an SO relationship,
you also change your status with that person.
The key word is "significant."  No longer are
you one among many good friends; you are singled
out by definition (usually :-) as being a
particular someone that your SO wants.  No one
else will do.  There are certain things that s/he
will do only with you, etc.

Going back to a friendship means for many people
a "fall from grace."  (That's the best way
I can think of to put it, a good friend in a
similar situation agrees with me.)  There's no
getting around the fact that you are no longer
the Special Individual in someone's life, and that
hurts like the dickens.  It can hurt so much that
if you are given no chance to express it, the
resentment can linger for years, especially if you
are unfortunate enough to watch yourself being
replaced in many of the roles that at one time
were exclusively yours.

Unfortunately, I also have no advice for someone
in that situation!  Try to recognize what you're
feeling and why, and try to let yourself be
angry and hurt.  It's tempting to let yourself
be pressured into being "grown-up, a good sport,
reasonable, mature" about it, especially if you
still love your SO and want to forgive him/her.
At the same time, though, you're kind of putting
the screw to yourself too, and at a time when
you should be especially good to yourself.

And try to find an activity where you can feel
special and needed.  I just began volunteer
work at a crisis center, and it's a good place
to meet supportive people!

Pooh         "We are not in the 8th dimension.
              We are over New Jersey."

pooh@ut-sally.ARPA       pooh@purdue-ecn-cb.ARPA
ut-sally!pooh            pur-ee!pooh