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From: chrisa@azure.UUCP (Chris Andersen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: What people look for in MOTAS (conceit, actually)
Message-ID: <262@azure.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 14-Jun-85 01:05:27 EDT
Article-I.D.: azure.262
Posted: Fri Jun 14 01:05:27 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 16-Jun-85 00:44:45 EDT
References: <681@udenva.UUCP> <1560059@acf4.UUCP> <1264@houxm.UUCP> <244@azure.UUCP> <1592@hao.UUCP>
Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR
Lines: 37

> Chris Andersen writes:
> > 	Another problem which I have observed is that when two members of 
> > a group friends have a relationship, and then break, it almost inevitably
> > destroys the group of friends along with it.  This is because the others
> > in the group are forced to take sides.  If the are seen hanging out with
> > one of the two people, it is assumed by the others that you are on that
> > persons side. 
> > when you then try to talk to him/her that person is naturally suspicious 
> > of your actions.
> 
>   Are you talking about a relationship or a war here? Why does one have to
> "take sides"? I have never noticed this happening during any of *my*
> breakups. The one thing that I *have* noticed is that people that I met
> *through her* tend to drop out of my social circle after a breakup, but
> I don't think this is quite what you were describing.  In this case it's more
> because she was about all that I had in common with these people in the first
> place. I *have* seen this "taking sides" occur, I only write this to point
> out that it does not *have* to be that way. I find it very easy to be friends
> with both parties after a breakup. You just have to be willing to listen
> to the concerns of whichever person you happen to be talking to at the moment,
> and avoid going into judgment of either the person you are talking with or
> their XSO.

I guess I should qualify the previous by saying that most of my experiences
of this happening occured in high school (and once in college so far).  
I think it tends to happen more in a closely nit group.  Not in a situation
where the intersection of person A's friends and person B's friends is nil
or next to nil.  Basically, a breakup (and a bad one especially) in a group
as tight nit as a family can be lethal to the group.

It is possible for a person to avoid having to choose sides, but this can
result in members of either fissioned group looking on his/her actions as 
suspicious (almost as if they were a spy for "the other side").

> --Greg

Chris Andersen