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From: rance@cornell.UUCP (W. Rance Cleaveland)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Being friends with one's Ex and his/her new SO
Message-ID: <2600@cornell.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 20-Jun-85 13:03:30 EDT
Article-I.D.: cornell.2600
Posted: Thu Jun 20 13:03:30 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 23-Jun-85 06:51:20 EDT
References: <2419@mit-hermes.ARPA>
Distribution: net
Organization: Cornell Univ. CS Dept.
Lines: 37

> Last night I got a phone call at home from a previous girlfriend. (Good thing
> my present SO didn't answer!) I left (shall we say) Beth for Anna, and still
> feel a little guilty about it; Beth, meanwhile, has married and moved far away,
> but was in town as part of the process of moving back to this area on account
> of her husband's job. The call led to something of a flutter at home; I agreed
> to have lunch with Beth today, but Anna felt (and I agree to some extent) that
> it was an awkward situation to be meeting an ex-lover on a friendly basis,
> even after years apart. In fact Beth wanted to meet Anna, but Anna refused to
> go. Nevertheless, lunch went OK, we agreed that those were the days, she
> obviously adores her husband, and didn't intend to drag me away with her. She
> was a little surprised that we might think it odd for her to call--and 
> surprised, too, when I said that if I had visited the area where she now 
> lives I wouldn't have called her. She thinks it would be nice if we all four 
> became friends when she and her SO move here, and he apparently agrees, and
> knew that she was going to call me. I'm very dubious about seeing them in
> the future, and Anna is dead against it. 
> 
> Do people think that (a) Anna and I are crazy for feeling so reticent or
> (b) that Beth and her husband are crazy for wanting to be friends with us?

I don't think that you and Anna are crazy at all for feeling uncomfortable.
It certainly seems strange to me that a woman you "left" would express inter-
est in being friends with you and the woman for whom you left her.  On the
other hand, there are all different gradations to the word friendship, and
in fact Beth might just be trying to say that she bears you no ill will for
your past behavior towards her and that she doesn't want to be enemies. 
(She may also be trying to exact some measure of "revenge" by showing herself
to be more noble than you--but then, only you can decide whether this is the
case.)  You must have left Beth for a reason (a reason other than Anna), and
I'm sure that the reasons preclude your being close to Beth.  Now,	
if I were in your shoes, given what I know about your situation, I might
tell (or write) Beth that you bear no grudges (even if you do :-)) but
that you and Anna feel uncomfortable being all that close to Beth and her
new husband.

Regards,
Rance Cleaveland