Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site h-sc1.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!whuxlm!harpo!decvax!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!h-sc1!thau From: thau@h-sc1.UUCP (robert thau) Newsgroups: net.bizarre,net.jokes Subject: refugee donuts Message-ID: <471@h-sc1.UUCP> Date: Sun, 28-Jul-85 00:38:07 EDT Article-I.D.: h-sc1.471 Posted: Sun Jul 28 00:38:07 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 31-Jul-85 01:00:05 EDT Distribution: net Organization: Harvard Univ. Science Center Lines: 82 Xref: watmath net.bizarre:42 net.jokes:13542 [Sop for the line-eater] Town Deals with Alien Donuts Roach Breath, Massachusetts. July 28 The small hamlet of Roach Breath, which was formerly isolated (to the point that nobody entered or left town during the entire 1970's) is only now beginning to cope with the peculiar problems caused by harboring political refugees. The problems are exacerbated by the fact that the refugees which have found sanctuary in the local Northeast Baptist Druidical Church are not human beings, but are in fact sugar and jelly donuts from Mars, protesting the virtual enslavement of the donuts of Mars by a master class of baked goods, which (according to the reports of the donuts) consists equally of crullers and Dim Sum. While Sanctuary is inevitably a controversial proposition, pitting church against state, and often pitting church-goer against church-goer, the Roach Breath experience got off to a particularly inauspicious beginning, as ten of the refugees were inadvertently consumed at a church potluck dinner being held in their honor. While this senseless tragedy has not been repeated, tensions still do run high on occasion. Recounts pastor Ivan Youtruck, "The children are the problem. An adult can learn that certain donuts in certain places are not to be eaten, but due to the conditioning that children receive through our media, all a child sees when looking at one of our guests is a sugared snack. I tend to see this as another diabolical aspect of the Horned King's plan to enslave the country by oversugaring food." The donuts themselves are stoic about these difficulties. Ckklkz, a Bavarian Creme donut, notes that "here, as at home, we are subject to random destruction at the hands of infantile minds. Here, however, we face better odds." However, there are problems which neither Pastor Youtruck nor the donuts themselves wish to discuss. Roach Breath has a small faction which is completely inhospitable to the donuts' point of view and to the idea of sanctuary generally. The most outspoken of these is town selectman and hog couturier Max Needlesnit. "First off," Needlesnit points out, "I don't think that separation of church and state allows the church to violate state laws. More to the point, we have only Youtruck's word that the donuts came from Mars in a giant spaceship shaped like a fryolator. Nobody else has seen the giant fryolator, and Youtruck's story that a motorcycle gang broke it up for scrap within an hour after it landed is completely unconvincing. I admit that these donuts can talk, which is unusual for donuts, or any baked goods, but I've seen no evidence that they are anything more than unusually intelligent refugees from Dunkin. If that's what they are, then they're property, evading a legally assigned fate. So this donut sanctuary business could completely undermine our capitalist system." When presented with these objections, Pastor Youtruck responded only with several unprintable comments about Needlesnit. Apparently, the donuts are divided among themselves concerning humans' mistreatment of our own native donuts. Publically, they refuse to discuss the matter, saying only that, in the words of Ckklkz, "It is not our place to criticize our hosts." Privately, some are aghast at the way we treat ours. Pastor Youtruck reports one conversation with a donut he refuses to identify: "It wasn't the idea of being killed and eaten that got to her. The crullers have been doing that for ages, and donuts are almost used to that. It's the idea of being dunked in coffee first which was the shocker. She was nauseated by the thought." On the other hand, this reporter was able to converse with a Chocolate Donut, Zzkyl, with a very different perspective. Says Zzkyl, "Terrestrial donuts aren't donuts really. They're totally subdonut. I asked one out for a movie a few weekends ago; it was the worse mistake I've made in a long time. She was completely unable to take part in an intelligent conversation, and on top of that she was ugly. Your world is just as well off without them." (At this point Zzkyl was silenced by a radical feminist Cinnamon Donut). Unfortunately, the political situation is such that the donuts are unlikely to be able to return to Mars anytime soon, and since almost no equipment on this planet is equipped for donut use, they have trouble finding work here. "There's nothing to do but sit in a cardboard box all day," Ckklkz notes, despairingly. Still, the donuts are persevering. Next week: the crullers' point of view. -- Robert Thau \ Keeper of the *FLAME* )) rst@tardis.ARPA ( ( h-sc1%thau@harvard.ARPA \\