Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.3 4.3bsd-beta 6/6/85; site well.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!allegra!oliveb!hplabs!well!mojo From: mojo@well.UUCP (Mojo Jones) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Answer to request for a light bulb collection Message-ID: <116@well.UUCP> Date: Thu, 1-Aug-85 16:50:46 EDT Article-I.D.: well.116 Posted: Thu Aug 1 16:50:46 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 3-Aug-85 04:22:04 EDT Organization: Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA Lines: 150 Summary: This compilation is from the 'jokes' conference on The Well Here's a compilation from my 'jokes' conference on The Well: How many ... does it take to change a light bulb? Q: How many jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, I'll just sit here in the dark! Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to screw it in and three to write the environmental-impact statement. Q: How many gays does it take to change a light bulb? A: Uncomputable, since they screw it in the wrong way as a matter of personal preference. Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to screw it in and five to share the experience. Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones. Q: How many Macintosh designers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on what you want to change it into. Q: How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root causes as to why the last one went out. Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. Q: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb? A: Are you kidding? Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue 14 bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?) Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb. Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in. Q: How many creatures from Wolf 59-IV does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone. Q: How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. Q: How many zen students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to do it and one not to. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. It's a hardware problem. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change. Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark. -------- Woody Liswood asks: What ever happend to how many ? does it take to change the light Bulb? A. Five, One to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder? or did i miss it? -------- Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "fight darkness." Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None of your fucking business. Q: How many [insert ethnic/job/etc. group name] does it take to ke chocolate chip cookies? A: Four: one to mix the batter and three to peel the m & m's! from Stanford: Q: How many pre-meds does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two -- one to screw it in, and another to kick the ladder out from under him. and from C of M: Q: How many Marin County types does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None -- they screw in hot tubs! Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because inside every light bulb lie the seeds to its own revolution. Q: How many Jewish American Princess' does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the Tab. Q: Or Wasps...? A: Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks. Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. Q: How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: That's not funny! Q: how many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb. Q. how many martians? A: two and a half. Q: How many polite new yorkers? A. both of them. Q: How many Lebanese does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media. Q: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four: one to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of florescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!! Q: How many Arians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It only take one Aries person to scre... Q: How many Taureans does it take to change light bulb? A: Two, one to buy the bulb, and the other to decide if there is really a need to change! Q: How many slag weekenders/engineers does it take to screw in a lite bulb ? A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. (Thank you Chris Shaw) Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. But don't ask me how they got in there! Q: How many Anarchists does it take to change a light bulb? A: ALL of them!! And finally, a comment on all this stuff: #31 (Item 7: How many ... does it take) John Dvorak (jdvorak) Thu, Aug 1, 1985 (00:46) 1 lines sheesh! ------------------------------- I've left out the authors and their credits, leaving just the jokes for the most part. Mojo (at The Well, where I play, not MicroPro, where I work.) -- Mojo ...is Morris Jones, MicroPro Product Development {dual,hplabs,ptsfa,apple}!well!micropro!kepler!mojo