Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site unc.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!mcnc!unc!fsks From: fsks@unc.UUCP (Frank Silbermann) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Question of the hour. (good :-)) Message-ID: <617@unc.UUCP> Date: Wed, 17-Jul-85 21:43:22 EDT Article-I.D.: unc.617 Posted: Wed Jul 17 21:43:22 1985 Date-Received: Fri, 19-Jul-85 01:15:21 EDT References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <595@unc.UUCP> <748@ihuxa.UUCP> Reply-To: fsks@unc.UUCP (Frank Silbermann) Organization: CS Dept., U. of N. Carolina at Chapel Hill Lines: 49 Summary: In article jagardner@watmath.UUCP (Linda Carson) writes: (edited slightly) > >I don't think "the first move" is nearly the issue many of you make >it out to be. As I remember the experience(s) from my younger days, >inviting someone or being invited isn't a surprise. If "the move" >comes as a surprise to either of you, maybe you're jumping into things? >I think you want to work up to this in a series of steps. >Something a little more like: > {casual gestures of closeness -- some physical contact > -- embrace -- kiss -- kisses -- some of the hot and heavy stuff -- > lots of the hot and heavy stuff -- *the move*} >rather than: > {"wasn't that an interesting film, so how about it?"} > >Understand that I'm not talking about how long you take on these steps >or the issue of "doing it on a first date". I'm saying that the process >is a sequence of short steps; if, at any point, either of us didn't like >the direction things were going, *then* we gently turned things around >to something casual and more platonic. It's sort of a progressive exchange >of body language. If at any stage your subtle increase of the intimacy of >the mood was *not* reciprocated, then clearly you have reached the boundary. >This means: > 1 -- no one has to take the pressure of making one big *move* > 2 -- no one has to take the pressure of rejecting one big *move* > >Of course, this takes a sensitivity to your companion and their body language, >but we're all working on that already. Right? Right! This is one of the most helpful postings I've read in a long time. Most of the how-to books about relationships specialize on either the emotional and verbal side of a relationship, or the hot and heavy stuff (sex manuals). I see relatively few books and articles about the in-between stuff -- light gestures of affections leading to playful kisses and petting. This information is especially important for younger men whose fast sexual reflexes often make them too impatient. Men must make a conscious effort to slow down and take things one step at a time (an inexperienced man may not even _know_ the steps that most women require to feel comfortable). One good book on this topic is _How_To_Make_Love_To_A_Single_Woman_. I almost didn't buy it because of its incredibly stoopid title, but by ordering it along with _How_To_Pick_Up_Girls_ (I bet you guys are tired of hearing of that one), I was able to save a dollar. It turned out to be pretty helpful. Frank Silbermann