Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84 SMI; site sun.uucp Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!ucbvax!decvax!decwrl!sun!rdh From: rdh@sun.uucp (Robert Hartman) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Hurting the other by a "no" Message-ID: <2437@sun.uucp> Date: Thu, 18-Jul-85 00:03:08 EDT Article-I.D.: sun.2437 Posted: Thu Jul 18 00:03:08 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 20-Jul-85 04:47:53 EDT References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <591@unc.UUCP> <854@ihlpg.UUCP> <750@ihuxa.UUCP> Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc. Lines: 27 > > > Having to reject someone is ALMOST as bad as BEING rejected. > > > > > Yes!!! And I still haven't learned how to do it to my satisfaction (ie, > > gently, but clearly--I tend to err on either side ... There is a difference between pain and damage. Sure getting rejected hurts, but I'd much prefer the discomfort rather than the damage to my self-esteem that comes from pursuing someone who doesn't care enough to be straightforward with me. The word 'no' has never damaged me or led me astray. Saying 'yes' when you don't really mean it isn't as *nice* as it seems at first. Just because you may not care *for* someone doesn't mean that you don't care *about* them. People need to know the truth about how your feel, and they may need compassion about their disappointment (but not sympathy). I've never met a person I couldn't relate to on *some* level. Maybe they want more than I'm comfortable with, or less. But its much easier for me to sort that out when I know what's going on. Either way, I don't have to fret about whether or not I'm an OK person. Neither person's adequacy is at issue, the *nature* of the relationship is. When people are safe and honest in dealing with their feelings/reactions, that is an ideal sort of relationship, even if it only lasts a moment. One person's opinion. -bob.