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From: pooh@ut-sally.UUCP (Pooh @ the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Hurting the other by a "no"
Message-ID: <2390@ut-sally.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 18-Jul-85 09:51:58 EDT
Article-I.D.: ut-sally.2390
Posted: Thu Jul 18 09:51:58 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 20-Jul-85 08:17:41 EDT
References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <ihlpg.816> <591@unc.UUCP> <854@ihlpg.UUCP> <750@ihuxa.UUCP>
Organization: U. Texas CS Dept., Austin, Texas
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> I'm a (almost totally) self-actualized individual and I KNOW that my
> emotions are my own CHOICE.  Yes, folks, choice.  

Okay, Julie, this is great for you--but do NOT decide
for someone else that his emotions are his own choice.
I do not agree with this philosophy (although some
of my friends who have been in the Forum and Lifespring,
etc., do), and I resent anyone who decides that what
he has learned about himself (believes about himself, that is)
applies to everyone else.

> If I cannot handle
> a no from you, it is my own growing that I had best tend to.  I also
> bring this into my relationships.  If I say "no thank-you" to someone
> and they are hurt, it does move me a bit.  But I realize that to treat
> them as any less a person than what I asked to be treated (ie. give
> them a chance to choose to be responsible for their emotions) would be
> looking down upon them.
> 
> 			Gypsy (Julie Hoff)  ....!ihnp4!ihuxa!hoff


Hmmm.  There is a difference between treating them with
enough respect to be honest with them, and being
considerate of their feelings.  Hitting someone over
the head with a hammer and then saying, "Well, YOU'RE
the one who's choosing to feel pain," is insulting
and ridiculous.  I submit to you (and you are free
to disagree) that people do not OWN their emotions
as you would own a suit; they ARE their emotions.

On this premise, I am a firm believer in doing what
you can to minimize hurt.  When I have to say no
to someone, I try first to drop hints that he can
pick up with minimum loss to his dignity and self-esteem.
Failing that, THEN I will try to say "no" as nicely
as I can.  I don't believe in just saying, "no, thanks"
and then deciding that if he gets hurt by it, that's his
problem and not mine.  That attitude seems very callous
to me.

Pooh

pooh@purdue-ecn-cb.ARPA    pur-ee!pooh

And I find it kind of funny,
  I find it kind of sad. . .