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From: liberte@uiucdcs.Uiuc.ARPA
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: More women than men (making the
Message-ID: <26600134@uiucdcs>
Date: Fri, 19-Jul-85 01:31:00 EDT
Article-I.D.: uiucdcs.26600134
Posted: Fri Jul 19 01:31:00 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 20-Jul-85 11:03:15 EDT
References: <1031@homxa.UUCP>
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Nf-ID: #R:homxa.UUCP:-103100:uiucdcs:26600134:000:3442
Nf-From: uiucdcs.Uiuc.ARPA!liberte    Jul 19 00:31:00 1985


Assertiveness in moderation seems to work best for me.

/* Written 11:32 pm  Jul 18, 1985 by chrisa@azure.UUCP in uiucdcs:net.singles */
...
> Written by someone else whose name was lost:
>  It just so happens that I am a somewhat
>aggressive female, and many of the men I know and/or have pursued find me
>intimidating.  (I have been told about this directly by close male friends.)

I would like a little aggressiveness, but not so much that one persons dominates
the relationship.  It should be an evenly balanced affair.
/* End of text from uiucdcs:net.singles */


First, some abstractions:

"Aggressive" has a connotation of "offensive" whereas 
"assertive" is more a positive, expressive statement.

When assertiveness becomes out-and-out aggressiveness, then maybe (not
always) it has gone too far.  For a cooperative relationship, mere agreement
suffices - even if it is only implicit agreement to an out-of-balance
relationship.  But for a healthy relationship, I believe both must be
communicating - verbally and physically.  And this is assertiveness at its
best.

One thing I've noticed recently - it's not aggressiveness itself that I mind
so much as what the aggression is trying to achieve.  Aggressiveness at its
best is well intentioned, morally agreeable (culturally based, of course)
positive action.  Sometimes it takes a fair amount of aggressive
perserverance to get through to some people, and at the same time you have
to be rather sensitive to avoid a backlash of resentment.


My personal approach is to initially show only mild interest and then wait
for some returned mild interest, or otherwise.  (As discussed elsewhere, it
is sometimes ironically difficult to show only mild interest if you are
actually intensely (often physically) interested.)  There is the complication
of perceived aggression when none is intended.  I, however, tend to err on
the side of being perceived as uninterested.  Perhaps I miss alot, but I
also avoid offending potential friends.

How has this approach worked for me?  It seems I develop relationships
with more assertive women (and men, for that matter).  Through these
relationships I find myself learning to be more assertive in socially
acceptable ways.  It's ok, for example, to hold an unknown MOTOS for several
minutes if you are engaged in dance.  Such a nice custom.

Another thing I've noticed: I tend to become more assertive with someone
who is less assertive, and vise versa.  A subtle leadership role comes
out in me - I mean someone has to say something.  Usually I try to get
them to talk and come out of their shell.  But these shy types
are less interesting to me as partners.  I'm better at listening
and interjecting my thoughts.  Perhaps I don't like the responsibility
of creating the relationship.  

On the other hand, I am not particularly attracted to over-assertiveness.
It is too easy for me to let myself get involved with an attractive,
assertive woman who I probably shouldn't be getting involved with because of
certain incompatibilites, and then I resent the whole affair and feel guilty
simultaneously.

Perhaps I need to learn more from such assertive partners for now.  Perhaps
I need an equally semi-assertive partner, but such a relationship would be
the hardest for me (and her) to establish.

A question:  How do assertive people feel about less assertive people
as partners?

Dan LaLiberte
liberte@uiucdcs.Uiuc.ARPA
ihnp4!uiucdcs!liberte