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From: dougu@daemon.UUCP (Doug Urner)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Re: Just how far can friendship go?
Message-ID: <961@daemon.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 17-Jul-85 01:36:15 EDT
Article-I.D.: daemon.961
Posted: Wed Jul 17 01:36:15 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 21-Jul-85 02:19:22 EDT
References: <317@azure.UUCP> <2910@cornell.UUCP> <5475@tektronix.UUCP> <308@tektools.UUCP> <358@oliven.UUCP>
Reply-To: dougu@daemon.UUCP (Doug Urner)
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Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR
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| Sometimes I feel like she would be receptive and sometimes I feel like
| she wouldn't, but I know that if I tried to make a sexual relationship
| out of what we have I could ruin a GREAT friendship.

Well if my experience means anything, the time when a "GREAT friendship"
gets ruined by a sexual relationship is when one or both of you are using
the sexual part of the relationship to imply something that is not spoken
between you.  Sort of like being sexual brings up all of our socialization
about "finding a mate" and the rest of that crap.  Then we start making
all sorts of assumptions and stop communicating and the friendship goes to
hell in a handbasket.

On the other hand, if you are able to talk about what is going on and if
you are able to keep in mind that becoming lovers is not always a step
forward in the relationship.  I don't think that exploring the idea of a
sexual relationship is that huge a risk.  Scary, yes, but a threat to the
friendship, no.

The scary part (for me I think it is probally a whole lot fear of feeling
like a fool) has often kept me from acting on my desire to be sexually
involved with a friend.  In this context by "acting" I mean initiating a
conversation on the subject.  I mean it's no easier to think of an "opening
line" with a friend than with a stranger.  And with a friend you probally
don't want to just walk away if it doesn't work :-)

I once spent a whole evening and the better part of the early morning
visiting with a friend talking and listening to music and reading each
other favorite quotes while finishing old bottles of wine.  She finally
blurted out "where do you want to sleep?".  I think it must have taken
me a good minute or two (tho' it seemed like *much* longer) to dare to reply.
I hoped that it was a proposition but it could have been an inocent
question....  you can probally imagine the rest of what was going through
my mind.  Later when we talked about it she was very worried that she had
been "too forward" (isn't socialization wonderful? :-)  We were both *VERY*
scared.  It didn't turn into a long term SOship, partly because we didn't
live very close together, but it's 6 years later and we are still good
friends.

On the few occasions when I've screwed up the courage to say what I was
feeling I've been "turned down".  And I can't say it was pleasant!  But
the friendship survived just fine, even if my ego was limping for a while.

Good luck,
Doug Urner

ihnp4!tektronix!daemon!dougu
-- 

				Doug Urner
				Small Systems Support Group, Tektronix, Inc

				(503)627-5037

				..!{decvax,ucbvax}!tektronix!dougu