Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site sjuvax.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!allegra!sjuvax!jss From: jss@sjuvax.UUCP (J. Shapiro) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Re: Hurting the other by a "no" Message-ID: <1204@sjuvax.UUCP> Date: Mon, 22-Jul-85 01:50:36 EDT Article-I.D.: sjuvax.1204 Posted: Mon Jul 22 01:50:36 1985 Date-Received: Thu, 25-Jul-85 03:16:00 EDT References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <591@unc.UUCP> <854@ihlpg.UUCP> <750@ihuxa.UUCP> <363@azure.UUCP> Organization: Haverford College, Haverford, Pa. Lines: 44 > My advice: be firm, honest, and compasionate. And stick by your decision > once you have made it. > > Chris Andersen > -- > "Roads? Where we're going we don't need any roads!" > ----------------------------------------------------- > tektronix!azure!chrisa It may help to consider that the failure to say no now can lead to a lot of pain later. Many people who cannot discipline themselves to say no the first time figure they can reconcile the situation as a one shot deal. Too often the "one shot deal" can grow into something which harms other relationships, and giving in the second time is much more easy. I have had occasion to say no to some people I very much wanted to say "yes" to. This has either been a reflection of understanding that a long term relationship wouldn't work, or a reflection of the fact that to me sex is an emotional commitment, and I am already committed by my own choice. The situation arose tonight. My girlfriend is in France and I met a lady who seems charming and looks terrific and would probably make a good friend. The offer was made and I turned it down, and I am glad I did (though it was a very tempting offer). I would have real problems later if I accepted such an offer, and the more so if it were someone I already knew well as a friend. In this particular instance I didn't know the lady well enough to make such a commitment, nor would I wish to change the commitment I already have even if I knew her well. Ultimately it is a judgement call over grey areas, and such calls are almost always frought with struggle and uncertainty during the fact. Sometimes it is both possible and appropriate to say yes on a one shot basis, but I think such a decision would be a mistake for me. In retrospect I usually find that if I have made the right decision it is clearly right in the light of hind- sight. Finally, yes is almost never right in a situation of dependency or insecurity (from what I have seen), and if "yes" is appropriate now it will also be appropriate at some time in the future. If you doubt the appropriateness of a "yes" then for your own sake say no. If you measure the lost opportunities against the avoided pain, you will find "no" a clear winner in uncertain situations. Jon Shapiro Haverford College