Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/17/84; site nbires.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!seismo!ut-sally!nbires!bob From: bob@nbires.UUCP (Bob Bruck) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Hurting the other by a "no" Message-ID: <446@nbires.UUCP> Date: Wed, 31-Dec-69 18:59:59 EDT Article-I.D.: nbires.446 Posted: Wed Dec 31 18:59:59 1969 Date-Received: Sun, 28-Jul-85 00:55:12 EDT References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <591@unc.UUCP> <854@ihlpg.UUCP> <750@ihuxa.UUCP> <2390@ut-sally.UUCP> <754@ihuxa.UUCP> <1655@hao.UUCP> Organization: NBI,Inc, Boulder CO Lines: 43 > > > > I'm a (almost totally) self-actualized individual and I <--- from Julie > > > > KNOW that my emotions are my own CHOICE. Yes, > > > > folks, choice. > > > > > > Okay, Julie, this is great for you--but do NOT decide <--- from pooh > > > for someone else that his emotions are his own choice. > > > Sorry, luv. If you give someone else responsibility for and <-- Julie > > control of your actions and reactions (EMOTIONS, is what I'm talking > > of) then you are living through *them* [emphasis mine --Greg], not through > > yourself. If this is what you want, then it is your choice. > > My first reaction is <--- from Greg Woods > to say "suffer if you want to" or in some more stubborn cases, "suffer > if you insist upon it because you seem to believe that you *have* to feel > bad about this", but that sounds very cold, which I'm really not... Your right, Greg, it does sound cold. I will agree that a strong person has the ability to control her/his emotions, but I am not sure it is a wise per- son that does so. Emotions are natural, *instinctive* feelings normally brought on by things that happen to (or by) onesself. As they are related to this discussion, they are probably brought on by the loss of a loved one. This loss not only can change a person's lifestyle, but emotionally that person will no longer have that channel through which to express their own love OR the security (ego boost?) of feeling the other person's love being channeled through her/him. When this happens, it is instinctive to have very strong (and very unpleasant) feelings. And yes, Greg, it is possible for a strong person to suppress these instinctive emotions. But doing so will have adverse repercussions in the future, as I have seen MANY times. I am not sure why this happens, but I have heard that if you deny yourself the *natural* mourning of the loss of a loved one (yes, this does mean after a "break up" as well!), you will not be able to feel the same intensity of love when you find a new loved one - something about "when you start denying your feelings you can never accept other feelings fully until you accept those feelings you have denied." Rather than showing people how to suppress feelings of loss, we should show people how to accept those feelings and start finding ways to fill their loss. Bob Bruck NBI Inc. Boulder, Co. (hao | allegra | ...)!nbires!bob