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From: ables@mcc-db.UUCP (King Ables)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: When are you really free of your X?
Message-ID: <270@mcc-db.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 30-Jul-85 11:47:21 EDT
Article-I.D.: mcc-db.270
Posted: Tue Jul 30 11:47:21 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 1-Aug-85 05:15:19 EDT
References: <763@abnji.UUCP>
Organization: MCC (Austin, TX)
Lines: 81

Having been in much the same situation lately, here's what I
think (as if anyone is REALLY interested in what I think):

> I miss her quite a bit, but I guess it is (over).

Me, too.

> ... Are you really
> free when you say you are?  Am I free of my SO?

You try to convince yourself you are when you say you are, if for no other
reason, just as reassurance that you can pick up and go on.  You're free
in the sense that you're available for another relationship.  If you're
like me, you're probably not free in the sense that you still think about
her almost all the time.

> When do I know I am?

If I knew that, I'd write a book.  When you compare every woman you meet
to her, you're not.  I guess that's kind of obvious.  Eventually, you'll
stop comparing to her and compare to an ideal or just observe impartially.
This is the big step, I think (no, I haven't gotten there yet, either).
You'll still think about her some, but getting someone in there to take up
some space is important.  You have to have someone in the present to think
about to force thoughts of an X into the background.  Those then become
nostalgic thoughts.  Once you recognize thoughts of an XSO as nostalgic
ones (i.e. not "present" thoughts) then you're most of the way home.  If
those thoughts never get pushed into the background, they have to fade
there by themselves, and believe me, that takes MUCH longer.  The Beach
Boys knew what they were saying with "Help Me, Rhonda" (don't flame me if
they didn't write it, I'm not sure).

> Also, is it fair to seek a new SO with the other fresh in my mind?  
> Would I be fair to the new SO, or is she just a crutch to help
> in recovery from the XSO?

Ah-ha!  This is the problem with what I just said above.  In a lot of
ways she would be a crutch.  However, it's a crutch that can help your
state of mind a lot.  As long as she (the crutch) is aware of the
situation you're in and doesn't seem to mind (or is even an old friend
and wants to help) then I wouldn't worry about fairness to her.  All you
can do to be fair to her is make very clear what's happening and that
eventually things could change (but she's going to end up with a very
special role in your life no matter what might happen later).

The real problem is being fair to yourself.  This is the point where
I fall real hard for the next woman who says more than "Hello" to me
(at least for a while).  It's hard to be fair to someone and tell them
what's going on in your mind when you don't even know yourself.  I have
to work real hard to figure out what's real and what's loneliness.  So
far I've done ok, but I haven't exactly been meeting tons of new people,
either.

Rather than actually SEEKING a new SO, I'm going about with the rest of
my life for a while and not worrying about it (easier said than done, I
know).  I've been seeing some old friends that I hadn't seen too much
of lately.  I've been doing some general self-improvement-type things.
I'm in the process of buying a house.  I've managed to keep fairly
busy.  Now, if something comes along, I'm not going to fight
it (I'm not giving up women for xx months or anything).  I'm just
not in the mood to mingle (not that I'm even any good at it anyway).

The thing that's surprised me is how much ground I lose whenever I talk
to or see her (which I've done quite a bit since the split).  If she
goes away completely you at least get used to not having her around
and her memory can fade a little.  When I see or talk to her occasionally,
it just reminds me how much still I love her.  It may be the only way to get
over my problem IS another SO, I don't know.  Not ever seeing her again
isn't a reasonable alternative because we're still such good friends,
and I don't want to lose that, I've already lost more than I want to.

All I know is I'm dreading the day she comes down for a visit and
introduces her new SO.

> Is this making sense?

You'd be surprised.  Much more than I made, I'll wager.

-King
ARPA: ables@mcc
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