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From: tamir@ucbvax.ARPA (Yuval Tamir)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: "Surprise" Breakups
Message-ID: <9472@ucbvax.ARPA>
Date: Tue, 30-Jul-85 00:04:22 EDT
Article-I.D.: ucbvax.9472
Posted: Tue Jul 30 00:04:22 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 1-Aug-85 06:32:53 EDT
References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <816@ihlpg.UUCP> <190@bcsaic.UUCP> <172@whuts.UUCP> <366@oliven.UUCP>
Reply-To: tamir@ucbvax.UUCP (Yuval Tamir)
Organization: University of California at Berkeley
Lines: 50

In article <190@bcsaic.UUCP> shebs@bcsaic.UUCP (stan shebs) writes:
>Aggressive/assertive women are the only interesting kind.  Also, one
>doesn't have to wonder if she's being hurt (or whatever) by something;
>you find out then, and not later, when she inexplicably wants to break up...

In article <172@whuts.UUCP> amc@whuts.UUCP (COHILL) writes:
>Exactly. I am so tired of women whining about how men can't fulfill
>their "needs", and they are in fact unable or unwilling to express
>them. I accept full responsibility if I am not contributing my share
>to the relationship, but more than once, I've had a woman announce
>"Things are over.." and walk out with even explaining what she
>thought was wrong.

In article <366@oliven.UUCP> rap@oliven.UUCP (Robert A. Pease) writes:
>This gets me POed too!  Before my wife left me  I  had  no  idea  that
>there  was  any  problems  between  us.  When  I found out there was a
>problem, she refused to talk about it by telling me that  she  had  to
>think about her feelings before she decided what to do.  . . .

I have found that "gripe meetings" are a good solution to this problem.
Early on in a relationship you agree to a weekly scheduled "meeting"
in which you spend some time talking about problems that
came up over the past week. The "problems" are typically very minor
and normally they would not be brought up. The "formal" setting
of the meeting is a natural place to bring up things that
seem petty and insignificant in any other setting.
As a result things do not build up to an explosion.

In addition to the weekly meetings, the following "rule" is
also helpful: whenever there is something that is really bothering
one of the people, they can "call a meeting" and the other person
drops everything (at least for a few minutes) to discuss the problem.

I am sure that these rules seem childish and unnecessary to many.
However, I have found that they really enhance communication.
Obviously these rules do not prevent breakups.
However, if the breakup occurs, it is unlikely to be a surprise.
Furthermore, there is always a chance to work on the problems
before it is too late.

A word of warning: the meetings can actually hasten a breakup.
Problems tend to be articulated sooner and in clearer terms.
If there is an "irreconcilable conflict" this might become
apparent earlier than in relationships where problems are
allowed to quietly eat away at the foundations before the entire
building collapses.

                                 Yuval Tamir
ARPANET/CSNET: tamir@Berkeley
	 UUCP: ucbvax!tamir