Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site cornell.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ihnp4!houxm!mtuxo!mtunh!mtung!mtunf!ariel!vax135!cornell!rance From: rance@cornell.UUCP (Rance Cleaveland) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: I feel this, but I think that Message-ID: <3538@cornell.UUCP> Date: Tue, 30-Jul-85 13:05:05 EDT Article-I.D.: cornell.3538 Posted: Tue Jul 30 13:05:05 1985 Date-Received: Fri, 2-Aug-85 00:23:27 EDT References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <591@unc.UUCP> Organization: Cornell Univ. CS Dept. Lines: 42 The "nothing more than feelings" conversation has intrigued me, in no small part because I've often thought that I'd love to be able to tell myself how to feel rather than be subject to the capriciousness of something I don't understand. Alas, I don't think one can, but you can put yourself in a position such that you will feel better eventually.... I think that emotional matters have two sides to them. One involves your internal response to an emotional trauma, and it is this, I claim, that you have no control over. No matter how I have tried in the past, and no matter how hard I wished that the situation didn't matter, I've felt bad when a relationship has ended against my will or a friend has been in an auto accident or my great-grandmother has died. I've felt angry (even though I haven't wanted to) during a particularly acrimonious break-up (and, four months later, I still do), and I've felt really depressed when my work seems to stagnate, as it does every so often. I haven't wanted to feel these, and in the past I've really tried not to, but I can't escape them, and I think that I'm not so unusual in this regard. Time cures, and that's that (wait, don't flame yet! Read on....). This sounds bleak, and it is to some extent, but then there is the other side of the emotional response, the "handling of it," if you will, and here we have some control. As I said above, I think that the only way emotional scars heal is with time, but I think that we can help time along a bit. If you pick at a scab it won't heal, and analogously, if you brood over the circumstances which surround emotional pain then you freshen the hurt, and time can't work to help you. I try never to deny that I feel bad, and I like to analyze why, etc., but the times I think I've handled particular hurts the best I've tried not to relive the scene, and I've tried to find something to occupy my attention just to make sure. I remember one summer in which I was knocked silly when the biggest love of my life confided to me that, of course she was fond of me and all, but.... Fortunately, the Atlanta Braves came to my rescue as they drove for the division title.... All this is to say that I don't think we are responsible for how we feel, and in fact I think this is a potentially dangerous misconception in that it can lead people to deny feelings which they have as they try to, uh, "correct them." We are responsible for not luxurating in our feelings, however, and for trying to put ourselves in positions where we can feel better. Regards, Rance Cleaveland