Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site uvaee.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!mcnc!ncsu!uvacs!uvaee!cff
From: cff@uvaee.UUCP (Chuck Ferrara)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: marriage = commitment
Message-ID: <386@uvaee.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 30-Jul-85 20:08:38 EDT
Article-I.D.: uvaee.386
Posted: Tue Jul 30 20:08:38 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 2-Aug-85 00:28:34 EDT
References: <508@ttidcc.UUCP> <485@oliveb.UUCP> <684@lll-crg.ARPA>
Reply-To: cff@uvaee.UUCP (Chuck Ferrara)
Organization: EE Dept., U of Virginia, Charlottesville
Lines: 45
Summary: 

In article <1507@bbncca.ARPA> obrien@bbncca.ARPA (Mike O'Brien ) writes:
>Some recent posters have it right: according to this school, you can't
>help feeling whatever it is that you feel, and it's extremely destructive
>to deny it.  You should, if you want to control your life, acknowledge what
>feel, without being obligated to let those feelings run your life.

Well put.

>The amusing (but distressing) part comes when people who have grown up
>feeling helpless, but who have turned their lives around through these
>principles, proceed to try to give advice to others about managing their
>pain.  The would-be "helpers" are so dazzled by the possibilities that
>they come across as the most insensitive, lame-brained, selfish bunch
>of clotpoles imaginable.  "What do you mean, you're down and out and
>suffering?  Shape up!  Your emotions are your responsibility and you're
>only down on the floor because you want to be!"  In some sense this may
>be true, but this bald a statement of techniques and possibilities is
>about as useful and appropriate as a sportscaster at a funeral.  Quite
>frankly, the only one I've read who really had an appropriate reaction
>to all of this was Pooh.  Nice going, Wendy!  Human potentialists are
>the lamest bunch of people I've ever seen when a little quiet sympathy
>is wanted.

I think there is a side to potentialism that can take emotions and the
fact that people cannot always control them into account. When I'm
down and out I know I can't make it go away, but I CAN do things to
ease the pain. Excersise, treating myself to a good meal and interacting
with others socially are all very helpful. All in all, I find it best
to be nice to myself and do the things I enjoy.  If someone sits home alone
feeling sorry for themselves, they are adding to the problem. They are
choosing not to help themselves. If they drink they are only making things
worse. It's sad when someone gives up on themself that way.

To me a potentialist approach would mean,"OK, you're feeling down. I
know what it's like to be there and you can't make it go away, but you
can do things to help yourself weather the storm. Don't just sit there,
FIGHT BACK!" I'd never use the quote literally, but I would try to
make the point in a gentler manner. It's important for someone to realize
that they don't own their emotions, but their emotions don't own them
either. You can't control your emotions, but I think it is possible to
influence them.
				BEEN THERE
-- 
	Chuck Ferrara @  U. Va. Dept. of EE; Charlottesville,Va. 22901 
	UUCP:	...decvax!mcnc!ncsu!uvacs!uvaee!cff  (804)924-7316