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From: reh@aplvax.UUCP (Ron E. Hall)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Part-time cohabitant.
Message-ID: <136@aplvax.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 2-Aug-85 13:24:57 EDT
Article-I.D.: aplvax.136
Posted: Fri Aug  2 13:24:57 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 3-Aug-85 21:47:09 EDT
References: <210@dmcnh.UUCP> <752@lll-crg.ARPA>
Distribution: net
Organization: JHU/Applied Physics Lab, Laurel, MD
Lines: 92

> In article <210@dmcnh.UUCP> gts@dmcnh.UUCP (Guy The Schafer) writes:
> >"Having been a friend and lover, I can honestly say:  lover is better."
> >
> >My current SO lives with me for four days a week.  The other three days,
> >she lives with her husband and two children.
> >Is this relationship unique on this planet or what?  You should see the
> >looks I get when I explain why my SO is gone half the week.
> >Has anyone had any similar experience?  Or even heard of anyone having a
> >similar experience?  Any idea where this is headed?
> >Conjecture, psychoanalytical theories, idle ramblings, predictions,
> >comments, and discussion all welcome.
> >
> >+--------------------------------+
> >| USENET: decvax!sii!dmcnh!gts   |  "It is improper to
> >| USMail: Guy T. Schafer         |  describe making love
> >|         14-F Hampshire Drive   |  to one's sister."
> >|         Nashua, NH  03063      |       - John Irving
> >+--------------------------------+

I don't think it's ever a good idea to become involved with someone
who is still married, although I know many who have, and no one who
hasn't regretted it.  The "she lives with me, she lives with him" 
state your relationship is in right now is a stage in the breakdown 
of her marriage and in that little drama you're only a bit player
with an uncertain part. Your relationship exists because its the best
solution at the minute for the parties involved (the woman, her husband,
their children, and yourself), not because any of them find this a
desirable long-term arrangement, and will change dramatically as soon
as anyone thinks they can do better. If you expect to form a permanent
relationship with her then I think the potential for your getting hurt 
is great. Consider the possible outcomes.
	a. Nothing changes. Great, you now have a permanent temporary 
relationship with someone who goes home to her husband and children three 
days a week.  Do you want to do this the rest of your life? Will she want 
to have your children as well as his? Can you really stand the social and 
emotional consequences of this arrangement over the long haul? Frankly, 
I can't see this lasting more than a year before someone says ENOUGH.
	b. She goes back to the husband. No matter how cleanly this goes,
you're still going to be hurt some and perhaps feel betrayed and/or
deserted. Worst case is she yoyo's several times, coming back to you
when she's unable to face going back, leaving you when she's unable
to face not going back, making you a wind up knee-jerk manic-depressive
for as long as you're willing to play. I know a woman who has been 
dancing like this with her married boyfriend for two years (now he's with
the wife, now he's with her, etc.) and she's alternately hopeful and 
crushed. She isn't happy and she isn't able to get on with the rest of
her life because her love interest consumes her energy rather than
enhancing and returning it to her.
	c. She leaves her husband. Now you get to participate in a
divorce, perhaps with a messy property settlement and acrimonious custody
fight (in which you may very well find yourself an involuntary participant),
and the possibility of raising two children who may very well have learned
(or been taught) to consider you the cause of their parents breakup.
And you will be setting out on a new relationship (just you and her rather
than you and her and him ) with a lot of emotions and expectations
left over from the divorce. Some people make this work, but it's pretty
difficult and can be painful and she may wind up leaving both you and
the husband for a new start.
	d. You leave her. Because your posting focuses on the uniqueness
of the arrangement and on the reactions of others when you describe the
relationship and not on your feelings for the woman and because you ask
where the relationship is headed (as though you hadn't really considered
it might have a future), I think you enjoy the attention and notice that
the novelty of your arrangement brings and that this is one reason that
you continue with her. If it's the principal or only reason, your attachment
is shallow and while you won't be hurt if it all goes bad, you're involved
with others and may well be causing them considerable pain, and  leaving
her now may be best in the long run for everyone. If you genuinely care 
for her, then leaving may not be possible. If so, study a, b, and c again.
In any case, if you leave her you will have wasted time and energy and
may have missed a better opportunity with someone not already encumbered.

	I wish you luck in sorting all this out but my sympathy is tempered
by the fact that you must have known the situation when you became involved
with her and her family and you shouldn't complain too much about the 
consequences. If the worst that happens to you is that others find your
living arrangement "unique", then you will have done well. I suspect the
reason you mention their reaction is that you are beginning to find the
situation itself uncomfortable without really knowing why. I think you are
beginning to feel used, and embarrassed that others saw this before you did.


					Ron Hall
					JHU/APL
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-- 

					Ron Hall
					JHU/APL
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