Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site oliven.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!allegra!oliveb!oliven!rap
From: rap@oliven.UUCP (Robert A. Pease)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Hurting the other by a "no"
Message-ID: <383@oliven.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 2-Aug-85 16:20:48 EDT
Article-I.D.: oliven.383
Posted: Fri Aug  2 16:20:48 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 4-Aug-85 08:26:16 EDT
References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <ihlpg.816> <591@unc.UUCP>
Organization: Olivetti ATC; Cupertino, Ca
Lines: 51

> The state of
> your mind is dictated by all the circumstances and events in your life
> that got you to where you are now.  Are those circumstances anybody else's
> "fault"?

First of all, the complete saying is that what you are now, is the sum
total  of  what  you have thought and done in the past.  What you will
become is the sum total of what you think and  do  now  and  into  the
future.

As far as anyones "fault"...  I wouldn't try to claim  that  there  is
any  fault at all.  All I am trying to say is that people can, and do,
choose to make changes  in  their  lives.  These  changes  can  be  in
lifestyle,  the  way  they  react  to  events,  the  way  they present
themselves to others, and many ways more.

> Take the raising of a child that experiences the type of
> family life laced with marital violence we've been discussing.  Is it the
> child's "fault" if he/she is brought up to expect the same sort of marriage
> life, and to act it out?  Does the child have a "choice" to live through and
> integrate that experience or not?  Is it the parents' "fault" when they
> probably lived through the same thing?  Pinning blame is not the answer, and
> that is all this "taking responsibility (for things you can't control)"
> concept really accomplishes.
> -- 
> "Wait a minute.  '*WE*' decided???   *MY* best interests????"
> 					Rich Rosen    ihnp4!pyuxd!rlr

Okay, take this case.  The child can refuse to follow in  its  parents
footsteps  regarding  marital  life.  I  did  it myself.  It took many
years to stop reacting to things like my father did (and still  does),
but I made the effort and have made many progresses.

What about the parents living through the same thing?  It  is  a  fact
that  a  person  who  was  abused  as  a  child  will have a very high
probability  of  abuseing  his/her  own  child.   However,  there  are
professional  groups  that teach people how to avoid falling into this
habbit pattern and to get out of it if you have  already  fallen  into
the  pattern.  With  their  help, a person can learn NOT to abuse.  Is
this  not  the  persons  own  choice?   Is  this  person  not  takeing
responsibility  for  their  own  reactions?  Or is it all the person's
parents doing?


Oh, by the way, folks.  I'm going on vacation for two weeks  and  wont
be  able  to talk with ya for a while.  Golly, I hope i don't miss too
much. (You save the good stuff for me, Rich?)
-- 

					Robert A. Pease
    {hplabs|zehntel|fortune|ios|tolerant|allegra|tymix}!oliveb!oliven!rap