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From: schlick@reed.UUCP (Gary G Schlickeiser)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Singles survey
Message-ID: <1847@reed.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 26-Aug-85 14:02:10 EDT
Article-I.D.: reed.1847
Posted: Mon Aug 26 14:02:10 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 28-Aug-85 20:58:53 EDT
References: <1082@ames.UUCP>
Reply-To: schlick@reed.UUCP (Gary Schlickeiser)
Organization: Reed College, Portland, Oregon
Lines: 56
Summary: 

In article <1082@ames.UUCP> barry@ames.UUCP (Kenn Barry) writes:
 
>	Here's an obvious singles-type question that I don't recall seeing
>asked here recently: which of the following best describes the kind of future
>you would most *like* to have?
>
>	1) You meet the MOTAS of your dreams, and live together (married or
>	   otherwise) happily ever after;
>	2) Like above, but a series of long-but-not-lifelong relationships of
>	   complete partnership;
>	3) You have many serious relationships, but live alone.
>	4) You have mostly casual relationships;
>	5) Some combination of 1-4 above;
>	6) Other (and I know there's a lot of other possibilities - declaim at
>	   will!)

My answer to this is 1 with a lot of 3 (without the living alone) and 4 in
addition.  I think that there is a basic problem with many relationships
of type 1, that is that the two people involved become too dependant
on each other and don't cultivate other friendships.  Eventually one
of them become suffocated by the relationship and what they thought was
going to be a 1 becomes a 2.  Each person in the relationship must feel
free to develop close outside relationships with members of both sexes. 
This, of course, implies that jealousy not be allowed to rear its ugly head. 
Each person must be allowed to develop their own interests and to have their
own places where they can be alone.  Finally it is necessary that each person
be allowed their dreams and goals and that the other person accomodate these
dreams and goals as much as possible.

As background information I am, and have been for 11 years, married.  So why
do I read net.singles, it provides a good deal of good advice about
relationships between people.  My SO does not share all of my interests, nor
do I all of hers so with both have a large number of outside friends of
both sexes.  I have never been jealous of her male friends, she has only
been jealous of one of my female friends, this was during some recent troubles
we had and was at a time when she was unsure of our relationship.  We go out
both separately and together with our friends.  Each of us has a space in the
house that is their own and when the door is closed that person is not to
be bothered.  In other words we share our lives but each have separate lives
outside of our relationship.

Finally we get to dreams and goals.  I mentioned the fact that we have had
some problems recently, these have been primarily due to communication
problems (yes after 11 years people can forget to communicate).  Anyway
we split for a few weeks but are back together again and our relationship
is stronger now than it has been in some time.  During the time we were 
apart I thought a great deal about what it was that I would miss most 
about my relationship with my SO.  It turns out that it is the sharing of
dreams and goals with her.  There is a real excitement about having a dream,
talking about that dream with your SO and making that dream hers also.  I
would miss that a great deal if I thought that our relationship was a 2.
How can you share dreams when you know that your relationship will someday
end.

					Gary Schlickeiser
					tektronix!reed!schlick