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From: woods@hao.UUCP (Greg Woods)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Long-distance relationships
Message-ID: <1725@hao.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 28-Aug-85 15:16:31 EDT
Article-I.D.: hao.1725
Posted: Wed Aug 28 15:16:31 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 29-Aug-85 08:56:55 EDT
References: <1105@cbdkc1.UUCP> <1707@hao.UUCP> <1532@peora.UUCP>
Organization: High Altitude Obs./NCAR, Boulder CO
Lines: 48

> >   Knowing CLEARLY what you want, and communicating it in an honest and
> > straightforward manner, can avoid a LOT of disappointment later.
> 
> "Hi, I'm Eric, nice to meet you!  I just want you to know at the outset that
> if we have an LDR, I'm not willing to move to California, though I would
> be willing to move to Massachusetts, and I can only see you once a year
> because that's all the vacation I have."
> 
> The problem here is that LDRs tend to evolve before you realize they are
> LDRs.  Others evolve before they become the LD kind.  The human experience
> does not guarantee smoothness or painlessness.

   OK, you pointed out something I left out. I didn't intend to say that
you should start right out communicating your most intimate desires and
goals to someone you just met and barely know. What I AM saying is that your
communication should be one step AHEAD of the evolution of the relationship.
As soon as you realize a particluar LDR is starting to become more than
just an occasional weekend fling, THAT is the time to talk about
what you want it to be. In my own case, after the first time we met
face-to-face, for a weekend together, we realized that something special
was happening, and RIGHT AWAY began to talk about possibilities (note that
this is a far cry from actually committing to anything). Because our
communication was open and honest, we were able to determine that we did
indeed want similar things, and after several months of seeing each other
once or twice a month, we decided that we did want to make such a commitment,
and she moved to Colorado.
  I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should maintain an awareness
of what is happening, and make sure your level of communication keeps up
with the level of intimacy in your relationship (in fact, this probably
applies to relationships that are NOT LDR's just as well). I think a lot
of people get into communication trouble because they are afraid to tell
the other person what they want, for fear that it will not match the
other's desires. The problem with that view is that, if this mismatch is
indeed the case, it's a lot better to find out NOW, rather than later,
after lots of false expectations are built up (which lead directly to
disappointment and hurt feelings). This is PARTICULARLY true in LDR's,
where the expenditure of precious resources (like money and vacation time)
is likely to be higher.
  Hope this clarifies what I was trying to say.

--Greg
--
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