Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version nyu B notes v1.5 12/10/84; site acf4.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!gamma!epsilon!zeta!sabre!petrus!bellcore!decvax!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!cmcl2!acf4!percus From: percus@acf4.UUCP (Allon G. Percus) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Hilarious jokes - offensive to fools Message-ID: <4890002@acf4.UUCP> Date: Tue, 1-Oct-85 17:18:00 EDT Article-I.D.: acf4.4890002 Posted: Tue Oct 1 17:18:00 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 5-Oct-85 07:38:02 EDT Organization: New York University Lines: 284 Do to the popularity of this set of jokes (posted several months ago), it will now be repeated in full: ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Hilarious jokes, offensive only to fools --------- ----- --------- ---- -- ----- Here are some jokes that are guaranteed to make you fall off your chair... Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry. Q: What do you call a Lebanese lawyer in his third year of school? A: Fred. Q: What does a fried Potato have in common with eleven spiders? A: Very little. There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. Q: What would happen if a librarian travelled down in a small elevator with one person from each other floor? A: The elevator would be full. Figure out the following puzzle: If dog is to cat as cat is to mouse, and caribou is to guinea pig as elephant is to amoeba, select the appropriate answer: Garden snake is to bee as rabbit is to ____________ A) mouse C) aardvark B) giraffe D) otter yes, the correct answer is C, AARDVARK. A Tall Story... A man with one eye was walking down the street. He went into a tobacconists to buy a pipe. As he encountered the man behind the desk, he asked for a pipe. The tobacconist replied: "You can buy this pipe when the moon is full." The man with one eye left, puzzled. He continued down the street to the grocery store. He was purchasing a quart of milk, when the cash register girl said: "You can buy this milk when the moon is full, and the cows are out." The man was now curiously unnerved. He continued down the street to a bookstore. He was looking at books, and he came across a book on gardening that he liked. Surely enough, he was stopped from buying it by the salesman's cryptic message: "You can buy this book when the moon is full, and the cows are out, and the corn grows tall." The man with one eye was now thoroughly confused. His purchases has been mysteriously refused at three different locations. The man, being somewhat paranoid, took a bus to a different town. When he arrived, he walked into a butcher store and attempted to buy one pound of sausages. As expected, the butcher's reply was in order: "You can buy this meat when the moon is full, and the cows are out, and the corn grows tall, and the sky is clear." The man took one final capitalist gesture. He walked into a delicatessen to buy a soda. He was greeted with "Sixty cents, please." He had finally broken the cult of salespeople who refused his money. He was happy. He opened up his can of soda, took a sip, and died on the spot. Autopsy reports reveal that the sixty-cent soda can had been poisoned with Aluminum Diethyl Chloride. The Moral (and Punch line) to this story... If each, to one, a cent is owed, The line of path and life be slowed; Since wanton fear of life is 'bound, The terror 'f soda-drinking's found. You've all heard the stupid jokes like "What do you call a cross between a tiger and a parrot?" with responses like, "I don't know, but when it talks, I listen!" Well this column is a statement AGAINST such jokes. Q: What's tiny, and pink, and wears a grey flannel business suit? A: E.F.Hutton Q: What's small and green and hops around the bathroom? A: The domestic frog. Q: What's black and white, has eighty-two thousand, four hundred and nine legs, and wears a blue fez? A: Nothing. And now... "Knock knock" "Who'se there" "A burglar." "A burglar who?" "What?" "A burglar _______" "No, this isn't a joke." "It's not?" "No, this a burglar." "Oh, I see." "Well? Aren't you going to let me in?" "No!" "Why not?" "Because your'e a burglar!" GET IT? And now... PARROT JOKES Q: What's green and blue, and flies around its cage? A: A parrot. Q: What's short, and fat, and has a yellow beak? A: A parrot. Q: What does a pirate have on his shoulder besides fungus? A: A parrot. Q: What has two eyes, two feet, feathers, and talks (NOT Reagan) A: A parrot. Q: Who won the 1969 World Series? A: A parrot. "No it didn't!" "How do you know?" "I was there- the METS won." "You mean the METS aren't all parrots in uniform?" "No." "Oh." --- This conversation has been formally abandoned --- And now... FORTUNE 500 CORPORATION JOKES Q: What's big, and blue, and sells stock at 34.00 AMEX? A: IBM And now... JOKES THAT WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR Q: If a hen and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many all strike-out pitchers played for the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1936? A: Three and a half hens. And now... MORE JOKES ABOUT GERALD FORD Q: Who was president in 1974? A: Njoto Mbutin (I meant president of the the Pdaliaan Republic.) And now... A STORY... Malcolm was a happy man. He had a wife, three children, a house, a 1984 Oldsmobile Delta 98, and a blue brick. One day, Malcolm decided to buy his wife, Francesca, a luxury Yacht. He went to the local Yacht Store, and inquired about a yacht. After analyzing information about several different yachts, he decided to buy a Drexan Rider 23. So, he took out hi checkbook, and went to the back to pay for the yacht. The salesman astonished him with the price, "Two hundred and thirty thousand dollars, and one blue brick." Malcolm ran home, and got his blue brick from the family vault. He returned to the store, and bought the yacht. Seven days later, on their anniversary, a delivery boy knocked at the door, and carried in a gift wrapped luxury yacht. Francesca was immensely happy, so she and Malcolm had dinner aboard the new yacht, now in the living room. The following week, Malcolm and his family were aboard the yacht, sailing the high seas of Chesapeake Bay. It was then that his older son, Clark got upset. "Daddy," said Clark, "you got mommy a yacht for your anniversary, but I didn't get anything that big for my birthday. All I got was a dumb chemistry set. I want an aardvark." So the following day, Malcolm and Clark walked to their local Aardvark Store to pick out an aardvark for Clark. Clark chose one, named it Toby, and smiled. Malcolm went into the backroom once more with his wallet open, ready to pay for the aardvark. The price again astonished him- it was seventeen hundred dollars, and one blue brick. Malcolm left the store with Clark, who was broken hearted. Malcolm had already used his blue brick in buying the yacht. So he went to the local Blue Brick Store. Malcolm was greeted by a nice friendly poster: TRADE IN YOUR GOLD, SILVER, CASH or AARDVARKS for BLUE BRICKS! Malcolm didn't have the aardvark, and blue brick prices were too high. Malcolm had an idea. If you were on eighth street and Elm, you would have seen Malcolm entering the doorway to the Ace Construction Company, the following weekend. Malcolm, in disguise (as not to be recognized), bought one brick, and four metric tons of blue paint. Wasting most of the paint in accidents, Malcolm painted his brick blue, and returned the following day to his friendly neighborhood Aardvark Store. He paid for the Aardvark with his "blue" brick, and returned home with the aardvark stuffed in his briefcase. As Malcolm walked through the threshold of his home, he was greeted by the suspicious Clark, who noticed an aardvark nose sticking out the side of Malcolm's brief case. Clark and the family cheered as Malcolm opened up his briefcase and a stunned aardvark flopped out into a heap on the floor. "Oh daddy, I love him. Thanks, dad!" Clark dragged Toby upstairs by Toby's tail. For the next few weeks, the family was happy. Clark had his aardvark, Francesca her yacht, and Malcolm his receding bank account. Malcolm often took trips across town, waving into the window of the Aardvark Store. But one day, there was trouble. Malcolm and Francesca were sitting downstairs in the living room watching a re-run of "BLOOD AND GORE THREE: The final chapter" when there was a knock on the door. Malcolm opened the door to find eight heavily armed policemen. "Good evening, gentlemen," said Malcolm, "what can I do for you?" One of the ape-like, lifeless policemen spoke: "You're Malcolm B. Fripp?" Malcolm acknowledged the interrogation. "Have you bought any aardvarks lately?" "Yes," said Malcolm, "one for my son, Clark." "I'm afraid your going to have to come with us." For the next three years, Malcolm enjoyed himself in a small cell at the Federal Penitentiary at Cupertino for counterfeiting blue bricks. Moral: He who counterfeits blue bricks to buy aardvarks winds up in the slammer. | Another great story from the | | Realm of Nahtanoj Relfeoh | Brought to you by Super Global Mega Corp .com