Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site Shasta.ARPA Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!Glacier!Shasta!bothner From: bothner@Shasta.ARPA Newsgroups: net.motss Subject: Books for parents of gays Message-ID: <552@Shasta.ARPA> Date: Mon, 30-Sep-85 00:59:56 EDT Article-I.D.: Shasta.552 Posted: Mon Sep 30 00:59:56 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 2-Oct-85 21:07:12 EDT Distribution: net Organization: Stanford University Lines: 89 Below are the (lightly edited) responses I got when I asked about books to give to one's parents about being gay. I finally bought "Are You Still My Mother? (Are You Still My Family?)" by Gloria Guss Back. This was published this year by Warner Books, ISBN 0-446-38195-0, and costs $7.95. The other choice might have been "Now that you know", but Back's book was a) highly recommended by the Advocate (though I didn't find the article mentioned below) b) recent and c) available in a local bookstore (Printers Inc). It begins with her own experience after one of her sons came out to her, continues with a lot of excerpts from interviews and questionaires of parents as well as children; tells in detail about one of the counselling groups she led; and finishes with some practical advice to both parents and children. Thus most of it is written from a very personal perspective, but in between she manages to informally include a lot of information and background about homosexuality. It is all written in a very supportive and understanding manner, and she convinces the reader that she is still very proud and happy about her gay son and his lover. Though hardly a work of scholarship, I have very few quibbles (one of them is her insistence on capitalizing "Gay"). Thanks for all who replied; many of the other works mentioned are on my to-read list. --Per Bothner Bothner@su-score.ARPA ...!{ucbvax,decwrl}!shasta!bothner ---- From: sun!wild@glacier (Will Doherty) ... here are two real good ones. I found out about them through the Gay and Lesbian Counseling Service in Boston, when my lover of that era was considering coming out to his parents. Now That You Know by Fairchild and Hayward Coming Out to Parents by Mary Borhek ---- As for the coming out question, surely you'll receive thousands (??) of suggestions from readers as to how THEY managed it: obviously this is a family-specific topic, but there are a few good books out there. I haven't read a lot of the non-fiction except _The_Male_Couple_ by Mattison & McWhirter (sp?) from San Diego & mayhaps one or two others I can't call to mind without going home & looking at my limited library. (I *DO* rec- commend _tMC_, though) You might look through Laura Hobson's _Consenting_ Adult_ to see whether or not you want your folks reading it; I have the made-for-tv movie on VHS if you're interested (*I* liked it & so have more than a few of my friends (of a *number* of persuasions)). Also, _The_Best_ Little_Boy_in_the_World_ by John Reid comes to mind, although it's all set-up & no confrontation, so (again) look through it & see. I know that there are more that I can remember when the deluge ceases flowing through my office: it has been Grand Central this morning -- very unusual. ---- As it happens I just came out to Mom and Dad the day before Christmas. We also interacted normally for the rest of my stay, and thereafter too. I have not had a chance to visit them since due to distance and time. I checked with the local chapter of PFLAG, Parent and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. I spoke with a wonderfully supportive a realistic mother and she highly recommended "Now That You Know". It is by two heterosexual mothers of gay children (a daughter and a son) and from what I could tell by scanning it it seemed just the book. My mother refused it at first by in the final moments as I packed to leave she accepted it (in a plain brown bag). And also only because it was written from her perspective! I believe that was the most important part. It may not be the final reference book she needs but will help her to emotionally accept the concept. I have yet to discuss my sexuality or the book again with the folks, but from the continued quality of relationship we have something is going right. ---- The most recent issue of the Advocate that I have has a glowing review by Saslow (I forget his first name) of ["Are You Still My Mother? (Are You Still My Family?)" by Gloria Guss Back], and of the seminars the author used to hold for parents of gays in NYC. Unfortunately, she died of a stroke recently. It is supposed to be the most informative, non- judgmental book available. ---- The only one I've read is Dr. George Weinberg's "Society and the Healthy Homosexual", Anchor Books, 1973. It's excellent. I think that it was in this book that the term "homophobia" was introduced. I gave this book to my parents just after I came out to them, but it sort of went over their heads, or else they were just deaf to anything someone else said during that emotional time. I suspect it could still be in print. ---- From: Glenn Andrew Kramer I gave my parents a book called "Now that you know" by Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward. I read it first; it wasn't exactly what I wanted to get them, but it was pretty good. Another book that is supposed to be good (but I haven't read) is "A Family Matter: A Parent's Guide to Homosexuality", by Charles Silverstein. I know nothing about the book by Gloria Guss Back. Good luck. Brought to you by Super Global Mega Corp .com