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From: dak2@mtuxt.UUCP (D.KALL)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Living alone; NORMAL!
Message-ID: <603@mtuxt.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 17-Sep-85 23:31:03 EDT
Article-I.D.: mtuxt.603
Posted: Tue Sep 17 23:31:03 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 19-Sep-85 04:56:19 EDT
Organization: AT&T Information Systems, Holmdel NJ
Lines: 86

Sorry about that; lets try it again.

   "...
    I live alone with my plants.
    We wait together at the window
    and watch.
    The wind blows couples past us.
    It blows them apart.
    I live alone not lonely."

   Chris Thomas
   "One cup, one chair" 1983

This is the end of a poem I remember from a few years back.
I was at the time very alone, thinking I was lonely. It helped
me discover that it was perfectly normal to feel aloneness to
its depth and enjoy it. It helped me separate the pungent breath
of lonliness that is forced from a chest too infrequently embraced
in a hug, from the tight breath of guilt for "abnormally" enjoying
being alone.

Individuals who live alone are no more lonely than those
who live together. It is a function of situation and attitude.
Some of the loneliest individuals I have ever met have been living
with life-partners, roommates, and families. Yet there is an
expectation that live-aloners should be lonely. Most live-aloners
battle this expectation at one time or another.

Yes, there are benefits and costs to living alone. In the long
passage of years alone the live-aloner may not be the best off
(some studies show that live-aloners die earlier than live-withers.)
But there is no reason why an individual who chooses to, temporarily
or permanently, live alone should bear undue pain through feeling
abnormal. That is not living alone. That is living isolated with
the expectations and prejudices of others.

I am an only child of a single parent who is an only child. I grew
up thinking that aloneness was normal. I had friends, relatives,
and visitors, but I also had me. Me, alone, independent, adventurous.
Me, introspective, secluded, exciting. I learned a respect for myself
that I see infrequently in others. I judged the great value in other
people and their company. I chose to be with others because of their
value not just to be with others. I did know lonliness, but not
a lonliness for just another person but a lonliness for an equal.

Living with roommates in college was interesting but not optimal.
The only time I preferred that over living alone was when I chose
my roommate. In graduate school I lived alone. I loved it. There
was little adjustment needed because of my early-life experience
but there was a great increase in defensiveness. People my age were
living with each other everywhere. I was still alone. It was not
from a fear of intimacy or love that I lived alone; it was by
choice. I dated women over those years who all grew to think of 
my home as their second. I was never at a lack for company when
I desired it. The struggle came when I listened to outsiders who
tried to convince me that it was not normal to prefer this aloneness.

I live alone now. (Actually I am letting an old friend crash for 
a few months until they get back on their feet.) In the not too
distant past I thought that I might live alone for the rest of my
life. Now I am not so sure. I have not changed my mind because I
think that living alone is abnormal but because I have learned that
it is possible to live with someone and still have the space to
be alone. It helps if she loves you and can understand being alone
herself. It is only with a woman like the woman I spent the last 
year with that I could live again. 

It is not abnormal to live alone. It is not abnormal to choose
to do so. I urge anyone who struggles with living alone to realize
that they do not have to be lonely while they do it. They do not
have to carry the burden of someone else's expectations. They are
at an advantage for controlling their world and should take 
that for a ride. If you like how it feels buy it and nurture it.
If the ride is a little light, and you find an equal who's aloneness
you can respect and who respects yours, then ride together.

More on this topic at another time. I have an apointment to go to.
I will be unreachable for the next few hours because I will be very
busy being alone.

Looking for an equal; darren Kall.

I do disclaim. All above opinions are my own.


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