Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site sdcsvax.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxt!houxm!vax135!cornell!uw-beaver!tektronix!hplabs!sdcrdcf!sdcsvax!lewak From: lewak@sdcsvax.UUCP (George Lewak) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: more about hugs Message-ID: <1107@sdcsvax.UUCP> Date: Wed, 18-Sep-85 17:32:13 EDT Article-I.D.: sdcsvax.1107 Posted: Wed Sep 18 17:32:13 1985 Date-Received: Mon, 23-Sep-85 00:32:45 EDT References: <3539@amdcad.UUCP> <1878@reed.UUCP> Reply-To: lewak@sdcsvax.UUCP (George lewak) Organization: EECS Dept. U.C. San Diego Lines: 97 Summary: In article <1878@reed.UUCP> purtell@reed.UUCP (Lady Godiva) writes: >In article <3539@amdcad.UUCP> phil@amdcad.UUCP (Phil Ngai) writes: >>I like hugs when exchanged with the right people. What I want advice >>on is what to do when in a group of people and they all start hugging >>each other. I want to be part of the spirit of the thing but there's >>usually a few people I am not overjoyed at the idea of hugging. It's >>not that there is necessarily anything wrong with them, I just don't >>feel that close to them at that time. Maybe I don't know them or maybe >>they're just not my kind of people. > I know exactly how you feel. It depends on the situation. If it's >just some isolated or very infrequent situation I would go ahead and hug >the person. > If, however, you are frequently in a group of people who start >hugging, and there is someone(s) in the group whom you don't want to >hug, then I would probably tell them privately that you would rather >not. It can start to really get to you if you have to hug someone whom >you would rather not very frequently. Tell them why you feel >uncomfortable about it and see if something can't be done about it. > > elizabeth g. purtell > > (Lady Godiva) As someone who is usually on the other end of the stick, this topic gives me a chance to give some opinions and raise some questions. I am not very often among these "huggy" friends, but I do find that when I *am* amongst a huggy group, I am the one who people feel the most uncomfortable about hugging. Since you have been able to voice your opinions that such people (who you feel awkward about hugging) do exist, I want to ask what it is that causes you to be this awkward. I have never been able to feel this way about others - I have always enjoyed any hug I get from *anyone* else - so I cannot exactly understand and sympathize with this. So, I am asking a few questions for a couple of reasons: I want to improve myself as a person by making myself acceptible around this kind of group; I want to gain an understanding of other (seemingly more common) people; and, I want to let you know what its like from the other side, so you may be a little more sympathetic, and as a result of understanding them a little better, you may be more encouraged to WANT to hug them. Not because you "feel sorry" for them and want to be fair, but because you are more understanding of people who are different from you. Remember that although I may not be able to understand your viewpoint at the moment, you probably do not understand mine, and at least I am trying to find out. So, here is my first question: WHAT is it that makes you feel uncomfortable hugging some people? You mentioned a couple of reasons that seemed somewhat conceivable, such as not knowing the person or fearing that the person might not understand you. However, I have been in the situation where noone in the crowd knew each other before the party or occasion. As far as "understanding" goes, you can see that I am pretty open, and usually can understand the feelings of others who are open to me, too. And I DO have my share of close friends, too, although most of them aren't huggy. I used to be able to blame it all on a physical problem (yes, I still believe that the persons appearances seem to be important to other people), but now that most of my physical problems are over, I can't blame it on that anymore (by the way, I also find that I am not rejected in such a crowd as much anymore, but I still find myself rejected by some crowds). The second question is: is Elizabeth's solution of going directly to the person (whom you are uncomfortable with hugging) really necessary, and does it work? Perhaps, just MAYBE I can picture feeling awkward about hugging someone, for some reason or another, but I can't picture being SO uncomfortable as to confront them about it. It seems I would be MORE uncomfortable using this alternative. The third question: If you were able to answer the first question about WHAT it is about a person that makes you uncomfortable, WHY does it make you uncomfortable. Why should someone feel uncomfortable about hugging someone he doesn't know, for instance? I've done this many times, myself, and do not feel this way, so I have trouble understanding this. By the way, I consider myself a person of love, even though I haven't been given many opportunities to express it. I see several types of people, some who are made of love and have plenty of chances to express it, some who aren't, and some who are like me, who have to live a lonely life. I usually find that lonely people are for some reason rejected in this manner, and when they speak out (as I am), they usually get alot of negative response, especially from those who are not lonely. Many times they are called "perverts" or whatever (when they don't even have to say a word about sex). Most of the time, the negativeness is based on nothing other than that they are lonely, rather than more reasonable reasons such as being selfish, misanthropic, obnoxious, or whatever. So, as you can see, I've admitted that I am a lonely person, too (a crime in itself), so I expect to get alot of negative response from others (I always do). Victor ------------------------------ We're two of a kind, silence and I, we need a chance to talk things over We're two of a kind, silence and I, we need a chance to work it out. Alan Parsons Brought to you by Super Global Mega Corp .com