Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/3/84; site sesame.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!harvard!talcott!sesame!slerner From: slerner@sesame.UUCP (Simcha-Yitzchak Lerner) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Several funny but true news clippings Message-ID: <362@sesame.UUCP> Date: Mon, 14-Oct-85 18:14:18 EDT Article-I.D.: sesame.362 Posted: Mon Oct 14 18:14:18 1985 Date-Received: Thu, 17-Oct-85 07:37:44 EDT Distribution: net Organization: Lotus Development Corp Lines: 103 *** REPLACE THIS LINE WITH YOUR BLOOPER *** The following funny but true news clippings are from the Lotus Joke Net: [Sorry if this is a re-post, we are having problems with news today :-( ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Donald and Freda Haney, a husband-and-wife holdup team, entered the public library in Martinsburg, West Virginia, and demanded that the librarian hand over the money collected for overdue fines. But when that turned out to be only a few cents, the woman whispered to her husband, "I guess we picked the wrong place to rob." The couple then "strolled to the rest rooms" and later were arrested by police as they sat reading magazines in the library foyer. -Buffalo News In Syracuse, New York, Shelton Earl Kirkman was charged with attempted robbery after he walked into the Niagara Mohawk Power Corporation and announced a holdup. Police said Kirkman was "stupefied" when told he was not in a bank. -AP In Kingston, Ontario, a thirty-five-year-old transsexual was charged with two robberies, allegedly carrying out one as a man and the other as a woman. According to the Toronto Globe and Mail, "City police charged Douglas Melvin Johnson with the armed robbery of a convenience store. Provincial police charged Cathy Johnson with robbing a home in nearby Kingston Township the same day." "When arrested, Mr. Johnson was on parole from the all-male Joyceville Institution and living at the Elizabeth Fry halfway house for women." Twenty-five-year-old Gregory Doss of Peoria, Illinois, was charged with drunk driving and sentenced to two days in jail after an automobile accident. Doss, who is legally blind claimed he was driving a drunk friend home. -AP Health-spa founder Jack La Lanne celebrated his seventieth birthday by "swimming a mile with his hands and feet tied while towing seventy light rowboats with a person in each." La Lanne swam for two and a half hours while a chorus sang, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." -Hackensack Record When Milton Montgomery answered the door of his Memphis home, a strange man asked if he could come inside to pray. The sixty-one-year-old Montgomery let in the man, who then asked if he could pray over Montgomery's wallet. Wehn Montgomery handed him the wallet, the stranger put it in his pocket and left. -Memphis Commercial Appeal In Seattle, Washington, when a fast-food employee asked a customer to repeat his order, the customer pulled out a gun and demanded, "A cheeseburger, and make it quick." After getting his burger, the man paid his bill and left. -The Star A sadistic stunt, with gelignite and a captive rabbit blew up in the faces of two prankster rabbiters. Two men on a spotlighting expedition reportedly tied a stick of gelignite to a rabbit they had caushg by hand. The fuse was lit and the rabbit released. Laughter evaporated as it doubled back and hopped for cover under their Toyota Four-wheel-drive truck. -Adelaide Advertiser. PENGUIN HARRASMENT A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what the consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. -Audobon Magazine -- Opinions expressed are public domain, and do not belong to Lotus Development Corp. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Simcha-Yitzchak Lerner {genrad|ihnp4|ima}!wjh12!talcott!sesame!slerner {cbosgd|harvard}!talcott!sesame!slerner talcott!sesame!slerner@harvard.ARPA